Get ready with 'Captain Kidd's Kids'...

Today seems like the perfect day to review a silent pirate movie, and to embed it in the post so you can watch it right here. Why is that, do you ask? Well,. because it's Talk Like a Pirate Day tomorrow!

 (Oh wait... maybe there's a slight flaw in this plan. Oh well... it's too late now!)


Captain Kidd's Kids (1919)
Starring: Harold Lloyd, Harry Pollard, Bebe Daniels, and Helen Gilmore
Director: Hal Roach
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

After falling overboard from a cruise ship, an obnoxious young man (Lloyd) discovers his fiancee (Daniels) and her shrewish mother (Gilmore) are operating a pirate ship crewed entirely by sexy women.

"Captain Kidd's Kids" is a short film that takes too long to get to the pirates promised in the title. It spends half of its running time hammering home how unlikable and dumb Harold Lloyd's character with a series of gags where he's abusive to his servants and other hired help. What's perhaps worse is that the gags are only mildly funny and every one of them outstays its welcome because the routines are too long.

Things get a better once we get to the ship full of sexy pirates, but even here the gags are weak. While none drag on the way the ones in the first half of the film did, they are mostly so predictable that they must have be old back in 1919. There is a very funny and surprising bit involving dinner time on the ship, it's satisfying to see Lloyd's servant throw in with the pirates and pay is boss back for all the abuse early in the film, and Lloyd's ukulele strumming inspiring an impromptu pirate chick dance party inspires a chuckle, but otherwise this is a rather disappointing affair... especially since the idea of Lloyd's dorky trickster character going up against a ship of sexy lady pirates is a concept that held so much promise.

"Captain Kidd's Kids" isn't a terrible move... it's just disappointing, because it falls short of what it could be. But why don't you watch it for yourself and tell me if you agree or disagree with my take on it? It's embedded for your convenience below.

Happy Anniversary, Jeannie!

On September 18, 1965, "I Dream of Jeannie" debuted on the NBC network. Running for 5 seasons, the comedy series chronicled the misadventures of astronaut Anthony Nelson (Larry Hagman) and the sexy genie (Barbara Eden) he accidentally released from the bottle that had been her prison for 2,000 years.

The first season of "I Dream of Jeannie" originally aired in black-and-white. It was later colorized, and that was the version that has been syndicated around the globe.

2019

'The Devil's Party' is okay but not much more

The Devil's Party (1938)
Starring: Victor McLaglen, William Gargan, Paul Kelly, Beatrice Roberts, Frank Jenks and John Gallaudet
Director: Ray McCarey
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Five childhood friends, now grown up and successful each in their own different walks of life, hold their annual reunion. It's disrupted this year when the professional life of one (McLaglen)--a nightclub owner who also runs an illegal gambling operation--of the friends collide with the professional life of two others--now police officcers (Gargen and Gallaudet)--with deadly consequences for some, and tragic consequences for all.

Well-acted and decently filmed--this is one of those movies that takes full advantage of the black-and-white medium, with deep shadows and creative camera-work to heighten mood--the film is nonetheless boring and predictable at every turn. It's only 65 minutes long, yet it starts dragging at about the 30-minute mark, and it feels like it's far longer than it really is.

Given the overall decent quality of the film, I think it's just that this story has been told so many times (and told better) in the 70 or so years since this film was made, I think this is one movie that history has left behind, and a film that the modern viewer can safely skip.

'Snow White' ala Calloway & Boop

Snow White (1933)
Starring: Mae Questel (as the voices of Betty Boop and the Evil Queen) and Cab Calloway (as the voices of Koko the Clown and the Magic Mirror)
Director: Max Fleischer
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

An evil queen orders Betty "Snow White" Boop (both voiced by Questal) put to death after a magic mirror declares Betty to be the most beautiful woman in the land. Complications ensue.

"Snow White" has been celebrated by critics as the most surreal of all the Betty Boop cartoons. I've not seen enough of them to know whether this is true or not. What I can say for sure is that's the weirdest adaptation of "Snow White" I've ever come across!

There's not much I can say about this film without ruining the viewing experience. I was slightly disappointed that the story felt a little more chaotic here than in other Betty Boop cartoons I've watched, but that was more than made up for how impressive I found it that despite being represented by a cartoon clown and a cartoon ghost that is nothing but legs, arms, and a head, Cab Calloway's mannerisms and demeanor still shine through. I was also enthralled by the backgrounds in the Magic Cave once the singing started. Instead of the usual static images that repeat with some minor variations as the animated characters sing and bounce their way through the action, it's a constantly changing set of images that visually tell the story of the "St. James Infirmary Blues" song being performed by Cab Calloway in his freakish ghost guise.

If you haven't seen this great old cartoon before, you should take a few minutes NOW to check it out, especially since the version embedded in this post has both perfectly clear visuals and audio. You won't regret it.

2019

Behold--Vulgar Man!

I came across this goofy little spoof of silent-era melodramas on YouTube, and it made me chuckle. I hope it will do the same for you, so I've embedded it below.

Vulgar Man (2013)
Starring: Paul Hogan and Gemma Ryan
Directors: Peter Donelley and Paul Hogan
Rating; Six of Ten Stars


(Yeah, the voice-over in the beginning could have been a little clearer, and one could quibble over the fact that the visuals are more in style with later silent films rather than early ones... but why?)

2019

'Maids ala Mode' is fun but flawed

Maids a la Mode (1933)
Starring: Thelma Todd, ZaSu Pitts, Billy Gilbert, Leo White, Cissy Fitzgerald, and Billy Engle
Director: Gus Meins
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

After a particularly grueling day at work, Thelma (Todd) and ZaSu (Pitts), respectively a runway model and seamstress for a high-end fashion designer (Gilbert), "borrow" two dresses to attend a party hosted by an acquaintance (White). Unfortunately for them, their boss was also invited...

"Maids ala Mode" is another entry in the Thelma Todd/ZaSu Pitts series of short comedies that's a mixed bag, quality-wise.

On the plus side, it's got some really charming and funny performances from the two leads, as well as supporting cast members Billy Gilbert (as the girls' excitable German boss) and Leo White (as a flamboyant artist and high-socity gadfly for whom Thelma had once modeled). Gilbert and White also get some of the funniest lines, although they're enhanced because they're bouncing off Thelma Todd acting as the closest thing this short has to a straight-man. Certain viewers will also appreciate that the bits with the scantily clad women are all frontloaded in the film, during the fashion show that opens the film, including the nearly obligatory scene of Thelma Todd in her underwear. Finally, and this is a big plus, our heroines aren't crowded out of their own story as has happened in other films in the series.

On the downside, despite some really clever lines delivered during some really charming performances, the film is dragged down by the fact that almost every bit of physical comedy is either not very funny, or is dragged out to the point where the bit becomes tedious. This trend of not-knowing-when-to-quit, or not being willing to edit a bit into a more amusing length and shape, has been a flaw I've found with several of the short films Todd headlined either with ZaSu Pitts or Patsy Kelly. I really think this was an attempt to cover for a lack of effort when it came to creating the stories for these films--a belief that I think is underscored by the fact that this is another film that doesn't so much end as just stop. On the other hand, the resolution-free ending does come shortly after one of the film's funnier moments generated by a slight twist on the standard rule of three comedic structure... but an actual ending would have been nice.

Ultimately, "Maids a la Mode" is a flawed but entertaining little movie. The good outweighs the bad, and, while it's not one of the best of the 17 films Thelma Todd and ZaSu Pitts made together, it's far from the worst.

2019

It's Friday the Thirteenth!

Bebe Daniels has volunteered for a scientific experiment to see if there's any truth to the idea that it's bad luck to stand under a ladder on a Friday the Thirteenth.

2019

'Torchy Runs for Mayor' is a mixture of the really good and the really bad

Torchy Runs for Mayor (1939)
Starring: Glenda Farrell, Barton MacLane, Tom Kennedy, John Miljan, John Downing, and Irving Bacon
Director: Ray McCarey
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Reporter Torchy Blane (Farrell) takes on the city's corrupt political machine and underworld power broker Doc Dolan (Miljan), and after losing her career due to political pressure, she eventually becomes a candidate for the office of mayor herself.

"Torchy Runs for Mayor" was the eighth film in the Torchy Blane series, and it's at once both one of the best and one of the worst in the series.

First, what makes this the best film in the series: We get a good look at Torchy (Glenda Farrell) plying her trade as a story-at-any-cost reporter. In too many of the previous films, Torchy's workday has happened off-screen, but here we get to see her no only go about her ethically and legally questionable (and outright illegal) information gathering methods, but also her dealings with editors and publishers, as well as her working to turn her source material into column inches for print. We get to see a realistic reaction on the part of the police force when they are placed under political pressure from corrupt forces in the sense that instead of railing against Torchy and trying to shut her down, they got out of her way and quietly encouraged her to keep digging and poking at the bad guys--except for her long-suffering boyfriend Steve (Barton McLane) who genuinely fears for her life. (Although he's not so concerned that he doesn't join his Captain is executing an elaborate prank that becomes Torchy's inspiration to run for mayor). We also get to see long-running comic relief character Gehagan (Tom Kennedy) show that he is a capable police officer and useful for more than just taking up space. This film also has one of the most serious storylines and thrilling climaxes of any of the ones in the series; there's a sense that the characters are actually in danger and that things may not work out for them in the end.

Second, what makes this the worst in the series: A potentially fantastic villain, Doc Dolan played by John Miljan, ends up as an uninteresting cypher. We're told how powerful he is in both political and underworld circles, but we only get the slightest hint of this and we're never shown where that supposed power comes from. More to the point, this supposed criminal and political mastermind has to resort to kidnapping Torchy during the film's second half, something the character himself admits to Steve is a stupid thing to do (as a way of denying he did it), but that then begs the question as to why he kidnapped her. This question becomes even more vexing when one considers that he kept her alive and unconcious for at least a couple days--why? Why not just kill her and be done with her? The answer remains as mysterious as the nature of Dolan's powerbase... but it does ensure that Torchy is once again reduced to damsel-in-distress at the end of her own story and must be rescued by Steve. And, finally, the film doubles-down on Torchy being "just a woman" by ending with her quitting the office of mayor that she has just won in a landslide election to go off and marry Steve and have babies. (Yes, I just spoiled the ending.)

"Torchy Runs for Mayor" has the strongest script since the first couple of Torchy films, and the most dramatic storyline of all of them. As it unfolds, Torchy and Steve both are left without jobs, and there's a real sense that thnigs aren't going to end well for them as the story heads towards its climax. Naturally, things do ultimately turn out well for our heroes and heroine, and we're even given a sense of closure to the tale of Torchy and Steve that we've been following for the past seven movies; and it's a great closing, too.

At least it would have been if "Torchy Runs for Mayor" had been 20 or so seconds shorter. We still get closure for the story of Torchy and Steve, but it's a closure that betrays everything that Torchy has been about since she first strolled onto the screen, cracking wise. I realize that in the late 1930s, a woman's place was at home, but Torchy had been bucking that trend and fighting the good fight for eight movies, and now that she was in a place where she had the resources to really impliment change and justice on a large scale, she instead bows to conservative social convention and gives it all up--after the public clearly said they were okay with a woman mayor in charge of the city. (The only good point about this totally botched ending is that Steve is as taken aback by Torchy's announcement and total change of heart and character as I was. He was, naturally happy, as he and Torchy exited Stage Right... where I was left irritated and borderline angry to the point where the film dropped from a solid Seven Rating to a low Six.)

Although the story wraps up so neatly in this picture that it feels like the last "Torchy Blane" film, there was one more made. This film was the last for Farrell and McLane, but the characters they portrayed would be back, embodied by different performers. I'll find out if this should have been the last Torchy film, period, at some point in the future. When I do, I'll tell you all about it in this space.

2019

Carol Lynley has passed away

Carol Lynley, who over the course of her long career appeared in movies and TV series of almost every genre, passed away on September 3, 2019 at the age of 77. Here's a gallery of pictures in her memory.

A few of the films Lynley appeared in are "Bunny Lake is Missing" (1965), "Harlow" (1965), "The Shuttered Room" (1967), "The Maltese Bippy" (1969), "Once You Kiss a Stranger" (1969), "The Poseidon Adventure" (1972), "The Night Stalker" (1971), "The Four Deuces" (1973), "The Shape of Things to Come" (1979), "The Cat and the Canary" (1979),   and "Spirits" (1990). She also played 11 different characters over the seven-year run of ABC's "Fantasy Island".

In memory of Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden was one of the biggest assholes in the history of the world. His main achievement in life was motivating and organizing the mentally deficient and psychopaths to murder innocent, unsuspecting civilians just going about their lives. His greatest "success" was being the mastermind behind the mass-murder of 3,100 people across three different states on 9/11/2001. When relaxing, he enjoyed looking at gay pornography, watching anime, and raping under-aged girls. (Click here for a previous post remembering Osama bin Laden.)

(Oh... and since whenever I've done posts like this in the past, I've gotten angry responses and even a threat or two, I'll just go ahead and say it now and save everyone some time: If you have any admiration for, or nice things to say about Bin Laden and like-minded individuals, I hope that you get to watch those you love die slow and agonizing deaths before you, yourself, fuck off to Hell. Your comments will most likely go un-posted and your threats will be laughed at.)