The Love Quarterly: Magical Mystery Chairs

Last time around for The Love Quarterly, we revealed how Bessie Love secretly battled occult forces between starring in movies during the 1920s and 1930s. This time around, we're going to cover something she learned during her cultist-busting career: Hidden, often in plain sight, throughout the world are a surprising number of magical chairs. Some were purposefully constructed and enchanted, others became magically charged by absorbing intense spiritual energies for many years.

Love brought two magic chairs into her own home, one was a gift from a sorceress who was an ally in her fight against evil, the other was seized from a cult leader. The first chair, which stood in the corner of her sitting room, grants the person sitting in it the ability to instantly know what is on up to 100 written pages by just touching them; and the other chair, which she kept in her library, makes the person in it more able to see through lies while being more adept at telling them.

The rest of the text in this post is released under the Open Game License and may be reproduced according to its terms. Copyright Steve Miller 2019.

MAGICAL MYSTERY CHAIRS (for d20 System Games)
The GM can use the following tables to randomly generate magical chairs. Players can discover the enchantments of the chairs through whatever means are available in the campaign, except for those listed under WHAT CURSE DOES THE CHAIR BESTOW? Any curses should be discovered when they are inflicted.


IS THE CHAIR MAGICAL? (Roll 1d10)*
1-7.  No
8.     Yes. Roll once on WHAT BENEFIT DOES THE CHAIR GRANT?
9.     Yes. Roll twice on WHAT BENEFIT DOES THE CHAIR GRANT?
10.   Yes. Roll once on WHAT BENEFIT DOES THE CHAR GRANT? and
         once on WHAT CURSE DOES THE CHAIR BESTOW?
*The GM can check this table whenever the characters search a room furnished with one or more chairs using methods that can detect magical auras.


WHAT BENEFIT DOES THE CHAIR GRANT? (Roll 1d10)
1. As a full round action, absorb the information in up to 100 pages
    touched while seated in the chair. The character must be able to
    read the language, even if he or she isn't actually reading the
    text. The book or pages not need to be leafed through. The GM
    may require Knowledge skill checks or Intelligence checks for
    the character to comprehend the information if the text covers
    obscure or advanced subjects. Texts longer than 100 pages may
    be divided up and absorbed at different times, but loose pages
    must be placed in different stacks, and books must be opened
    to the point from which absorption is to take place.
    The chair's power can be used once every 12 hours.
2. +4 to all Knowledge skill checks while seated.
3. +4 to all Craft skill checks while seated.
4. +6 to Bluff skill checks while seated.
5. +6 to Sense Motive skill checks while seated.
6. Detect Poison and Neutralize Poison at 12th-level effectiveness
    while seated in the chair.
7. True Seeing as spell-like ability for 12 minutes once per hour while
    seated. (12th level effectiveness.)
8. The character does not age, require rest or sustenance while seated in the chair.
9. Brings a being back to life that has been dead less than 24 hours.
    The corpse must be relatively intact with no vital parts missing.
    The being is restored to life with fully healed.
10. Roll again on this table, ignoring and re-rolling additional
      rolls of 10. Additionally, roll once on WHAT CURSE DOES
      THE CHAIR BESTOW?

WHAT CURSE DOES THE CHAIR BESTOW? (Roll 1d10)*
1. -1 to all saving throws.
2. -1 to all attack rolls.
3. -1 to all saving throws and attack rolls.
4. -2 to all skill checks.
5. The sitter's butt goes numb and can only walk with a
    weird waddle. 1/2 movement rate, -4 to all Acrobatics,
    Balance, Climb, Run, and Tumble skill checks.
6. Suffer 1 point of extra damage per hit or damage dice.
7. While seated the character believes he or she telepathically
    "hears" the thoughts of another character in the room.
     The thoughts indicate the character is planning to betray the
     seated character, or is otherwise allied with an enemy of
     the party. The seated character can focus his or
    attention on someone else in the rool and "hear" that
    individual's thoughts as well. They will likewise be
    hostile or threatening. This is just an delusion caused by
    the chair. It ends once the character leaves the chair.
8. While seated, he character believes that he or she can see
     the true demonic form of another random character in
     the room. This is just a delusion created by the chair, and
     the character who appears to be a shapeshifted demon
     is determined randomly each time someone sits in
     the chair
9.  Roll on WHAT BENEFITS DOES THE CHAIR GRANT?
     The character who sat in the chair believes he or she has gained
     that advantage.
10. Roll two more times on this table, ignoring additional
      rolls of 10.
*Unless otherwise noted, all curses are permanent until the character who sat in the chair is subjected to a Remove Curse, cast at a 12-level or better effectiveness.

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The Morality Play, Early 1930s Style

Morals for Women (aka "Big City Interlude") (1931)
Starring: Bessie Love, John Holland, David Rollins, Conway Tearle, Natalie Moorehead, Lina Basquette, Virginia Lee Corbin, Emma Dunn, and June Clyde
Director: Mort Blumenstock
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Growing tired of being a kept woman in the Big City, Helen (Love), reconnects with her childhood sweetheart (Holland) and attempts to move back to the small town she grew up in. But when rumors of her wild city life threatens the happiness of her family, Helen may discover that there's truth in the saying: "You can never go home again".

Like so many early talkies, "Morals for Women" is very stagey in its presentation, with the actors all being very careful as to not step on each other's lines. Unlike so many talkies, "Morals for Women" doesn't suffer from actors who are either performing for the back rows of a theatre or engaging in silent movie melodramatic overacting. All the actors give appropriately measured performances, with no one going over the top or seeming particularly wooden. In fact, for a film of the Poverty Row production houses, the acting is surprisingly good, and, given the subject matter, the script is surprisingly intelligent and subtle at times.

The story revolves around Helen trying to recapture the life she once had in the small town she grew up in and the complications that ensue--with the most dramatic one being her little brother (David Rollins) facing possible jail-time when he assaults someone who believes is spreading vicious rumors about Helen's life in the Big City. Meanwhile, her sugar-daddy (Conway Tearle) alternately tries to replace her and sabotage her effort to leave him by exposing her "wanton ways" to her parents and naive would-be husband  Tearle's character is the closest the film has to a villain, but since he is slightly classier than I think any real-life counterpart to the character would be, the film reaches a predictable happy resolution. (Reality would probably see Helen friendless, penniless, and alone by the end of the film... but, c'mon... no one watching this expects that to be outcome!)

Star Bessie Love comes across a bit flat at times, but generally displays the same charm and energy that she put forward in the silent movies (but which was almost entirely lacking in "Conspiracy" , another of her talkies), and she really holds the film together. This film is an illustration of what a shame it is that Love's Hollywood career was in steep decline at this point, because she was aging out of the roles she had spent her career playing and was not apparently getting more suitable ones. She eventually did manage to transition into a "second phase" to her acting career in the 1950s, but she never enjoyed the status nor the starring roles she had once enjoyed.

Conway Tearle also gives a standout performance as Love's boss/sugar-daddy, coming across equal parts obnoxious and charming. Like Love, I think that Tearle was aging out of the parts he spent his career in silent movies playing, but he was not offered (or maybe didn't accept) any roles but that of the tall, dark, and handsome love interest, so his career was decline at this point. He really feels like he's too old/mature to be in a relationship with Love's character, and it feels like the only reason they are is because she was willing to make it on her back, and he was willing to spend money to buy the attention of a younger woman.

Comic relief is provided by Natalie Moorehead, Lina Basquette, Virginia Lee Corbin, who are great fun as Helen's girlfriends and neighbors. The drift in and out of the film--together and separate--but whenever they appear, their presence is a welcomed one.

"Morals for Women" is available for viewing in several different versions online, each of which is butchered by later editing to bring the film more into line with Hayes Office code compliance, and each of which shows extreme wear-and-tear. Sadly, the commercially available DVD release is worse shape than any of the free versions. It's so bad, in fact, that I can't recommend it.

If you want to check out the film, I've embedded the best publicly available version I've found.


Trivia: Conway Tearle starred in a 1925 movie titled "Morals for Men"; I wonder if the title of this film was chosen to remind film-goers of that older movie?)

Memorial Day

Today, we remember and honor the military men and women who died while serving to protect the lives we enjoy here at home.

Witness Keaton do satirical impersonations in 'The Frozen North'

The Frozen North (1922)
Starring: Buster Keaton, Freeman Wood, Bonnie Hill, Sybil Seely, and Joe Roberts
Directors: Buster Keaton and Eddie Cline
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

After failing to rob a casino, shooting his neighbors due to mistaken identity, covering up the apparent death of his wife (Seely), and being stopped from ravaging the wife of another neighbor (Hill), a Bad Man (Keaton) goes on the run (and fishing) in the frozen wilderness of Alaska.

"The Frozen North" was the last movie Buster Keaton would make with Sybil Seely, and it was her last film, period, as she retired from show business to focus on her family after completing it. It's different than any of the other four films they made together. Where the other films featured plots and gags that flowed smoothly into each other, with the plot driving the gags and the gags likewise furthering the plot, there isn't much connection between segments here. Even "One Week", which essentially is a series of connected individual skits, felt like it had more of a plot than this film. Here, the main character moves from event to event, and gag to gag, with only the faintest of motivation for doing so--not even the plot moves him to do so, because there is very little plot to speak of here.

This is probably because "The Frozen North" was motivated by very different creative impulses than those previous films. This is, first and foremost a satire of western melodramas starring the extremely popular actor William S. Hart. Although Hart is not well-remembered today, audiences in 1922 recognized who Keaton was lampooning--because Keaton reportedly mimicked several of Hart's gestures perfectly--and they reportedly loved it. Hart, however, was not amused, and he made his displeasure known, publicly. According to some sources--including a aquote from Keaton himself--Keaton was upset that Hart was angered, because Keaton was motivated to make the film because he admired and respected Hart. Other sources, however, hold that Keaton didn't mind angering Hart, because they state the motivation for making this film was anger with Hart, who had been a loud and sanctimonious voice condemning Keaton's friend and mentor Roscoe Arbuckle when Arbuckle was falsely accused of raping and killing a starlet. This article (which also reviews "The Frozen North, but contains more spoilers for the film than I usually include here) addresses both theories, and it's an interesting read.

Comedic highlights of "The Frozen North" include Keaton robbing a casino with a cardboard cowboy as his accomplice; the melodramatic scene involving the murder of Keaton's neighbors, perhaps the most savage swipe at Hart's films, as well as one of the funniest dismissal of double homicide ever put on film; where Keaton's dogsled is pulled over by a traffic cop in the Alaskan wilderness; an ice-fishing trip gone wrong; and an attempt on the part of Keaton's character for force himself on his pretty neighbor--a scene that pokes fun at Erich von Stroheim, another melodrama mainstay of the time. (Unlike Hart, Von Stroheim reportedly got a kick out of being the subject of a spoof.)

"The Frozen North" feels a little more disjointed than some of the other early Buster Keaton comedies, and, because the satire has been has been muted by the passage of time, a little lighter on the laughs. However, it's still worth checking out if you enjoy silent movies, because watching Keaton make fun of many of the period's tropes is well worth your time. In fact, you can watch it right now by clicking on the embedded video below.

Spacegirl Adventures, Part Nineteen

What Has Gone Before: Space Girl is trapped on a space station and attempting to avoid capture by the authorities.

SPACEGIRL

By Travis Charest

By Alan Quadh

'War Mamas' is mildly amusing

War Mamas (1931)
Starring: ZaSu Pitts, Thelma Todd, Guinn Williams, Alan Lane, Stuart Holmes, and Charles Judel
Director: Marshall Neilan
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A pair of WWI nurses (Pitts and Todd) take a wrong turn and end up behind the German lines together with their prank-playing US Army boyfriends (Alan Lane and Guinn Williams). After being sheltered by a sympathetic French noblewoman, the girls concoct a plan to get safely back to friendly territory.

"War Mamas" is a war-time comedy that is full of jokes and gags that were probably well-worn even in 1931. If you loved "Hogan's Heroes", you're bound to get a kick out of this film, even though the timeframe is WW1 rather than WW2: The German officers are the same loud, self-important dimwits, and the Americans are the same plucky tricksters who run circles around them.

Although it might not have you laughing out loud, I think at the very least everyone will watch "War Mamas" with a smile on their faces. There's never a dull moment, and while none of the gags are innovative, they're all well-executed. The cast all do a great job in their parts, but everyone is pretty much also playing roles they've done numerous times before... and will play again in future productions from Hal Roach and other studios, big and small. The highlights of the film is the bit where Thelma Todd is standing between two bellowing Germans, a German officer is trying to seduce ZaSu Pitts,  is the strip poker game our heroines play with the German officers.


"War Mamas" is one of 17 short films that co-starred Thelma Todd and ZaSu Pitts. They are available in the Thelma Todd & ZaSu Pitts: The Hal Roach Collection, 1931 - 1933.

Mohammed Monday

It's Monday. It's May 20. It's Everybody Draw Mohammed Day, which was a satirical invention of cartoonist Molly Norris, whose life was then subsequently destroyed and snuffed out by idolaters and their eager enablers who pretend they are liberals.

I am bringing back Mohammed Monday to the blog for one day with a handful of classic "Jesus and Mo" cartoons.

Before John Wick... there was Harold Lloyd!

And he even took on all comers--the police, a shadowy group of assassins--and walked away!

Well... presumably he walked away. We don't know for sure, because only fragments remain of the movie where Harold Lloyd came across a band of terrorists after following the beautiful Bebe Daniels back to their lair. I can't really review the movie, because all that remains is a chunk of the middle... but based on what's here, I think this would have been a solid 8 of 10 rating, perhaps even a 9.

Take a look. It's the best action film you'll see this weekend (aside, maybe, for "John Wick: Chapter Three").

'The Astronomer's Dream' is trippy fun!

The Astronomer's Dream (1898) (aka "A Trip to the Moon")
Starring: Georges Méliès and Jehanne d'Alcy
Director: Georges Méliès
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars


An astronomer (Méliès) is plagued by strange events in his observatory, culminating in it being invaded by celestial bodies, and an angelic figure with a heavenly body (d'Alcy).

Georges Méliès was a French illusionist who fell in love with the power of moving pictures back when filmmaking was in its infancy. He made dozens upon dozens of trippy short films that were full of inanimate objects turning into people, and visa-versa; people and spirits appearing from, and vanishing into, thin air; and even rocket ships traveling to other worlds. He is widely and accurately considered the father of cinematic special effect, and by 1898, he had already perfected his basic techniques and his films and their visual trickery would only get more elaborate as the Silent Movie Age progressed.

"The Astronomer's Dream" is a rollicking 3-minute long special effects extravaganza which I think is almost as entertaining to modern viewers as it was back in the 1890s. Although there is a story here (but whether it's ultimately a comedy or a tragedy is left up to the viewers' interperation), and there are a some actors doing actor things, the driving force and star of this movie is the special effects. They must have been awe-inspiring back as the 19th century was giving way to the 20th, and while we may be less amazed by them today--since all but the youngest of children or most sheltered of adults know the basics of special effects--the trippiness they bring to the viewing experience remains undulled. After all, what's not to love about a movie where the moon descends to Earth to eat the content of an observatory and disgorge some children? Or a movie where a sexy space goddess decides to drop in, just because?

Whether you're interested in film as an art form, or just want to spend three minutes enjoying a weird little movie that's as charming now as it was 121 years ago, I strongly encourage you watch "The Astronomer's Drea", right here, right now!

Peggy Lipton has passed away

Actress Peggy Lipton, best know for her roles on the legendary TV shows "Mod Squad" and "Twin Peaks", passed away on May 11, 2019, at the age of 72. Here are some photos in memory.