If you need help surviving a zombie attack, read on.

In the Event of a Zombie Attack (2008)
Starring: Claire Cassidy, Telisa Steen, Dennis Hoffer, and Nicholas Stender
Director: W.L. Wittstruck
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

"In the Event of a Zombie Attack" is a cute short film made up of vignettes designed to look like old education films designed to inform the audience about how to survive should they find themselves in the middle of a "Night of the Living Dead"-type situation.

The first of these shorts features a stereotypical, droning 1950s educational film scientist (portrayed by Claire Cassidy) explaining why flesh-eating zombies exist, how they multiply, and how to avoid being attacked by them. The second has a survialist (portrayed with great zeal by Telisa Steen) explaining the ins and outs and proper etiquette of surviving as society crumbles under the onslaught of zombies. In both of these shorts, a pair of campers appear as object lessons to illustrate the points being made, along with a couple of animated segments drawn by the creator of the concept behind the film, Jeff Freels. All the elements add up to a very funny spoof of educational films and zombie movies alike.

Interspersed during and between the educational segments are advertisements for products from a certain well-diversified large company that may or may not also be the ones responsible for whatever toxic waste it is that is causing zombies to rise. Just because they're an evil megacorp that crossmarkets their cigarette brand during an ad their Zombie Chunks kid's cereal doesn't mean their sponsorship of the "In the Event of a Zombie Attack" educational films means anything other than their being responsible members of the community! (The ads for the various Ziggurat Chemicals products are almost funnier than the main features themselves.)

All the various bits that make up "In the Event of a Zombie Attack" add up to a unique and amusing viewing experience. Plus, the film conveys some very important information. (My favorite zombie survival tip? "Decent, Respectable Grooming Habits May Just Save Your Life!")

For more information about this film and tips on how YOU can survive a zombie attack, visit the website by clicking here.

'The Glass Tomb' isn't worth visiting

The Glass Tomb (1955)
Starring: John Ireland, Eric Pohlman, Geoffrey Keen, Sidney Taffler, Lian Redmond, Honor Blackman and Sid James
Director: Montgomery Tulley
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A sideshow promoter (Ireland) comes under suspicion of being a killer-for-hire when the lover of a backer of his latest show is murdered. He is eventually cleared... but only because other murders occurr.


"The Glass Tomb" is a movie that feels like its script was the product of the writer combining material cut from other projects and then spending an afternoon or two doing some half-assed rewrites in an attempt to make a coherent whole.

It swings back and forth between being a thriller and a murder mystery. Is it a thriller about an innocent man caught in a love triangle he's not even aware of? Is it a thriller/mystery about an innocent man being set up by his best friend to take the fall for a murder he's planned? Is it a murder mystery about why third-rate British carnies and dance hall performers are being whacked?

Although the murderer's identity is revealed to the audience about halfway through the movie, some of the scenes proceed as if the murderer's ID is still supposed to be a surprise to us. (And even if we HADN'T known the killer's ID, the characters should have figured it well before we did, because it's not that hard if anyone in the film had been immune from Stupid Character Syndrome.)

"The Glass Tomb" has the further problem that none of the characters are well-developed enough for the viewer to feel particularly attached to anyone, nor even fully understand what role they play in the story. This causes the film to completely fail as a thriller and to fizzle as even a Columbo-esque mystery. This underdevelopment of characters is perhaps the film's greatest flaw, particularly when it comes to the central character and his family. He seems very interested in keeping them separate from his showbusiness and circus life, yet we never fully understand why. A little more insight in this area in particular could have helped up the tension when his wife comes under threat.

There are actually plenty of good story ideas in "The Glass Tomb". If only the writer, producers and directors had picked one or two of them to focus on and left the rest for other projects, this might have been a decent film. As it is, it's a film that even the most ardent genre fan can ignore.

Should have been titled 'Ring of Terminal Boredom'

Ring of Terror (1963)
Starring: George E. Mather, Esther Furst, Norman Ollsted, Lomax Study and Austin Green
Director: Clark L. Paylow
Rating: 0 of Ten Stars

A dippy graveyard caretaker (Green) relates a deadly dull tale of a medical student (Mather) who experiences the ultimate terror... and offers the viewers the experience of ultimate boredom.


"Ring of Terror" is a film with NOTHING to recommend it. From its cast of "college students" (who are being played by actors in their late 30s or early 40s, yet who are talking and acting as though they are in the late teens or early 20s, and thus making the viewer feel deeply embarrassed on their behalf... the lover's lane make-out scene is particuarly painful) to the utter lack of talent shown by anyone in the film's cast or crew, there is simply nothing good here. It's as if a group of actors whose career pinnacle had been roles in those lame public health/educational films from the 50s wrote a script outline on a napkin from the strip-club they were working at, rented a camera, and ad-libbed an atrocity of movie-making.

I've seen better acting at the first rehearsals for high school plays, and I've written better stories on a moment's notice. Don't waste your time with this one.

If you want to check out this movie just to verify I'm not exaggerating, I suggest you get the DVD multipack I've linked to below. That way, you're not out much cash AND you've gotten yourself a couple of decent films at the same time.




Trivia: Director Clark Paylow was an associate producer on Steven Spielberg's hit sci-fi film "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."

'Murder on the Campus' is a mostly well-executed who-dunnit

Murder on the Campus (aka "On the Stoke of Nine") (1933)
Starring: Charles Starrett, Shirley Grey, Edward Van Sloan, Ruth Hall, and J. Farrell MacDonald
Director: Richard Thorpe
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When a student is found shot to death high atop a locked bell tower at the center of a busy college campus, ace reporter Bill Bartlett (Starrett) is intrigued, but still thinks it's just another story. When his girl friend Lillian (Grey) emerges as the only suspect, however, he joins forces with criminologist and science professor Edwen Hawley (Van Sloan) to solve this perfect murder and find the real culprit.


After a shakey start (with some pretty lame acting by Starrett and Grey), "Murder on the Campus" comes together as a fine little murder mystery. It is particularly excellent, because it's one of those films that "plays fair" with the audience--if you're paying attention while watching, you can figure out Whodunnit as the hero does, perhaps even before.

Mostly decently acted and well-written, this film is a nice little gem that I recommend to fans of classic mysteries. The ending isn't quite what I would have expected--nor does it sit completely well with me--but it's in keeping with the rest of the film, so it's not all bad. (I guess this means that the film has a strong main body that starts and ends weakly. Still, it's worth checking out.)

Lugosi serves as a red herring in 'Night Monster'

Night Monster (aka "House of Mystery")
Starring: Don Porter, Irene Hervey, Ralph Morgan, Doris Lloyd, Fay Helm, Leif Erickson, Bela Lugosi, Robert Homans, Nils Asther Francis Pierlot, Frank Reicher, Lionel Atwill and Janet Shaw
Director: Ford Beebe
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

A wealthy, embittered cripple (Morgan) invites the doctors he blames for his state (Atwill, Peirlot and Reicher) to his mansion in order to witness the miracle he hopes will cure him: A swami (Asther) has discovered a way to use mindpower to materialize matter from thin air, and he believes this method can be used to give him new limbs. Other house-guests include a mystery writer friend to the crippled man(Porter) and a psychologist (Hervey) visiting to help his troubled younger sister (Helm) with her mental problems. When a murderer that seems to materialize and dematerialize at will starts killing members of the household staff and guests, everyone one and anyone can be the next victim... or possibly even the killer.


"Night Monster" is a mystery film with horror overtones that is as crowded with plots as it is with characters. The writers and director do a better job keeping all the threads flowing than is the case in many films similar to this, making good use of all characters and managing to not tangle the plots too badly. The filmmakers even manage to throw in enough red herrings and plausible suspects that the true nature and identity of the killer isn't certain to viewers until the Big Reveal at the end of the movie. (The only suspect that never seems likely is the bulter played by Bela Lugosi, even if I'm sure the director was expecting viewers to automatically assume he was nefarious because it's Bela Lugosi.)

The film is also impressive for the dark mood that pervades it. While there are a couple of "comic relief characters" in the film, they are more subdued than is often the case if movies of this vintage, and their buffoonery is deployed to augment the darkness of the film rather than dispel or undermine it... like where they find the body of one of the victims. The expressions of cowardice are comical, but they enhance the grim mood of the film rather than lighten it.

Each of the murders (or close brushes with the killer) are also very expertly presented. As is to be expected, we never see any actual killings, or even dead bodies, but we don't need to because the scenes are so expertly staged. Even more powerful is when the mysterious killer prowls the marshes around the mansion--the otherwise ever-present sound of croaking frogs suddenly ceases. The silence is even more unnerving than the screams of the victim that soon follow.

This is not a perfect film, however, and the filmmakers don't quite manage to keep all the balls in the air for its full running time, as they stumble badly when it comes to the third act. As it comes to its fiery conclusion, the filmmakers start to lose track of the characters and subplots, with Bela Lugosi's character vanishing from the scene entirely and a bit of involvement of the deus ex machina that makes the attentive viewer wonder why a certain character could have let things get so far out of hand and/or didn't speak up sooner. However, these are problems that won't come to mind until after the film is over, and until they do, you will be in for a very enjoyable ride.

Reportedly, Alfred Hitchcock believed "Night Monster" was an important film as it was being made. If he was basing his opinion on footage as it was assembled into the final product, I can see why he might say that. It is a film made up of some very finely crafted parts, even if there ultimately seems to be a piece or two missing.

The gift is a curse for 'The Clairvoyant'

The Clairvoyant (aka "The Evil Mind") (1934)
Starring: Claude Rains, Fay Wray and Jane Baxter
Director: Maurice Elvey
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A stage magician specializing in a mind-reading act (Rains) starts having real psychic visions whenever the daughter of a newspaper publisher (Baxter) is near him. Although his newfound true psychic visions initially bring him fame and fortune, the blessings soon turn into miserable curses.


"The Clairvoyant" is a rare British horror film from the 1930s that features an interesting story and a superb cast. It even has a couple of third-act twists that I didn't see coming, and I can't say that very often what with all the movies I've watched.

Although everyone in the film is good, its stars, Claude Rains and Fay Wray, shine especially brightly.

Rains is very likeable and sympathetic as a professional entertainer who struggles with suddenly becoming a real-life psychic and then watches what he thought was a blessing turn into a curse.

As good as Rains is, Wray is even better. This is partly due to her part being well-written, but even more credit should go to the fact that she was a damn fine actress. If you've only seen her in "King Kong", you really need to see this film to see that her talents as an actress went much further than just being very attractive and able to scream better than just about anyone else. is then later torn between ambition and love for his wife.

"The Clairvoyant" is a film I wish they made more like. Despite its fantastic elements, the characters in it and their relationships seem very real, particularly that shared by Rains and Wray's characters. Theirs is a marriage that faces several challenges during the film, but the love they share for one another lets it survive and helps them overcome. It's the sort of relationship that should appear on screen more often.

The only pairing of Lee and Fisher that was a disaster?

Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace (1962) 

Starring: Christopher Lee, Thorley Walters and Hans Söhnker 

Director: Terence Fisher 

Rating: Two of Ten Stars 

 Sherlock Holmes (Lee) and his arch-nemisis Professor Moriarity (Söhnker) matching wits over an Egyptian necklace owned by Cleopatra, as it is stolen, recovered, and re-stolen.

  This 1962 German film, with its two British stars and a British director, has surprisingly little to recommend it. The script is like a reject from the Universal Pictures series starring Basil Rathbone (with everything I don't like about the weaker efforts among those amplified ten-fold here, most notably Watson being portrayed as a bumbling, retarded simpleton), with an unbearably bad score. 

 It's amazing that a film with so much potential--Christopher Lee as Holmes and Terence Fisher directing... should be a sure winner!--could go so wrong. While Christopher Lee is absolutely right in his opinion that he and Thorley Walters more closely resemble the literary Holmes and Watson than any other on-screen pair, and there's no question that Lee gives a good performance as Holmes and that Walters does as good a Watson as he can given what has to work with, there is very little else that works in this movie. 

 There are a couple of interesting moments between Holmes and Moriarity (who is played by the appropriately sinister German actor Hans Söhnker), but the downside is that they feel like they belong more in a hard-boiled, pulp fiction detective novel than a Holmes adventure.

 

Something old, something borrowed makes 'Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid' an effective spoof

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
Starring: Steve Martin, Rachel Ward, Carl Reiner, Reni Santoni, Ava Gardner, and Humphrey Bogart
Director: Carl Reiner
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Hardboiled detective Rigby Reardon (Martin) takes on the case of a lifetime when an investigation into the seemingly accidential death of a cheese-loving philanthropist leads to romance with his beautiful client (Ward) and run-ins and shoot-outs with a whole host of suspicious characters who are either Friends of Carlotta or Enemies of Carlotta... and many of whom seem eerily familiar.


"Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid" is an amusing spoof of the detective movies of the 1940s and early 1950s. There are a few touches of absurd humor here and there, but it developes most of its jokes from taking tropes from those films and taking them to extremes. Some of the humor also arises from strange actions taken by Steve Martin's character in order to make the film's main gimmick flow effectively through the story: Clips from real movies of the genre being spoofed are spliced into this movie, and Martin is seen interacting with the likes of Cary Grant, Ava Gardner, Humphrey Bogart, Kirk Douglas, and many, many more. In fact, just about every film that is "borrowed" from for this movie will eventually be featured in this space.

Technically, this is an excellent movie. The clips from the classic films are matched to modern footage to a spectacular degree and it's only because there seems to be no way of overcoming the fact that the actors are truly acting in different movies that the gimmick doesn't really work. (There are only two segments that don't have an unnatural, forced feel to them in the film--the one where Rigby calls Marlowe and wakes him up in at two in the afternoon ; where Martin and Cary Grant interact in a train compartment .) But, because the inter-cutting of the old footage so rarely feels completely natural, the film doesn't quite work.

(I also found myself wondering why Rigby kept dumping on Marlowe if he admired him so much.)

That said, Rachel Ward plays a great 1940s-style leading lady and Steve Martin is hilarious as the detective so hardboiled his shell has cracked.


"Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid' is a film that's worth checking out if you're a fan of Steve Martin, of if you love old detective movies.

The overall blandness is spiced up by the exteme sadism of the bad guy

The Monster Maker (1944)
Starring: J. Carroll Naish, Tala Birell, Wanda McKay, Ralph Morgan and Terry Frost
Director: Sam Newfield
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

A mad scientist (Naish) goes to extreme measures to force the daughter (McKay) of a celebrated concert pianist (Morgan) to marry him.


"The Monster Maker" is a sadistic little horror film about a maniac with a talent for epidemiology, the young lady he wants to possess no matter what, and her father that he infects with a horrible disease to make it happen.

The movie is a little on the slow side, the acting is uniformly bland and the camera work is even more so. However, the absolute and pure insane evil that is represented by J. Caroll Naish's character of Dr. Markoff will make you stick with the film. His plan to force the lovely Patricia to marry him can't possibly work, but he proceeds with the unwavering certainty that only a complete lunatic would display... and the film gets increasingly sadistic toward its various characters as it unfolds.

Dr. Markoff may well be one of the most evil mad scientists of the first decade of horror cinema, not to mention one of the craziest. (I can't comment on the full reason why I say he's the evilest and craziest as it ruins one of the film's shocking revelations, but take my word for it: You haven't seen the final word in an evil mad scientist until you've seen "The Monster Maker".

The film is also noteworthy if you're interested in following the trail of the obviously fake gorillas that were so common(and possibly even proscribed by some sort of cinematic code) among low-budget film studios in the 1940s. Perhaps it was the same fake gorilla? It shows up again here and it's just as unintentionally hilarious as every other time it shows up.

(Has anyone tried to catalogue the number of times these fake gorillas showed up during the 1940s? If not, there might be an article in that idea....)

"The Monster Maker" is worth checking out if you're into mad scientists and/or fake gorilla suits. I highly recommend the version available from Alpha Video as the DVD transfer was made from a virtually prestine print of the film. Click here to read more about, or to order a copy, it at Amazon.com. (There are some minor scratches, but it's in far better shape than what is typical for films from long-bankrupt minor studios like PRC.)

The Office Christmas Party in Hades