Then there's that time the world ended...

Koko's Earth Control (1928)
Starring: Max Fleischer
Director: Dave Fleischer
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

In 1928, the world was destroyed through the actions a psychopathic cartoon dog that gained that power due to the irresponsible behavior of an animator (Fleischer) and his magic ink. Clearly, some superior being must have stepped in and remade the world, or you wouldn't be reading these words, or be able to click below to watch the video evidence of the horror that unfolded.

Princesses of Mars, Part 42

           

June is the month for marriages, so here are some images of the Princesses of Mars with their princes.

The Evangeline Lilly Quarterly

It's a Musical Monday with Evangeline Lilly... and we're leaving some things to the imagination!

Coffee Beanery's Michigan Cherry

After a year of mostly reviewing the wondrous flavored offerings from the Bones Coffee Company, I am close to having covered all of them. With that in mind, I am going to be turning to a different source for stuff to write about while feeding my caffeine addiction: The Coffee Beanery.

 

The Coffee Beanery is a roastery and coffeeshop chain based in Michigan. Founded in 1976, the company presently offers 50+ varieties of flavored and regular coffee that can ordered through the mail or enjoyed at one of their 80 or so retail outlets. You can read a brief history of the company at Wikipedia.

As their logo signals, they're a little more staid in their approach to marketing their products than other roasteries from whom I've been sampling wares. Where I was first attracted to Bones Coffee by their creative packaging and amusingly named blends, Coffee Beanery came to my attention through a lawyer I know who recommended I check out some of their blends. Like their logo, those blends are mostly named in ways that describe exactly what they are, with equally straightforward graphic designs on the packaging. All the blends I've looked at so far have been labeled "100% Arabica Beans".

Much like with the majority of my Bones Coffee reviews, the Coffee Beanery pieces will be based on sample packs. I will state up from that these reviews might be a little more barebones, as the Coffee Beanery's samplers are half the size of those sold by Bones. As a result, I only get one pot of coffee out of each. Maybe I'll exert some self-control and drink the coffee in smaller mugs, or maybe I'll think of some other way to keep things in line with the Bones Coffee and Signature Select reviews. Time will tell!

Right now, at this moment, the review that will launch the quest through the Beanery Realm is of a flavor that I was one-hundred percent certain I was going to love. (It could also lend itself to some off-color references, but I'm far classier than to engage in that sort of thing. Yup. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!)

 

COFFEE BEANERY: MICHIGAN CHERRY

I love the taste of cherries. One of the do-it-myself flavored coffees I enjoy is mixing either a light- or medium-roast with sour cherry juice, a dash of Unsweetened Almond Milk, and some Stevia. It works best iced, but it's also pretty good hot or room temperature. 

When I opened the Michigan Cherry sample pack, I felt certain I was going to love the coffee that would be brewed from it; the grounds within gave off a fabulously delicious aroma of cherries. That wonderful smell hovered around the coffeemaker as it brewed, although it was not so strong so as to fill the kitchen nor be detectable down the hall in my office.

The cherry aroma remained strong as I poured to coffee into the cup, and it blended tastily with the medium-roast coffee flavor as I took the first couple sips of the coffee, black. By chance, I got distracted and did not get back to the coffee until it had cooled to room temperature. I tried it like this, and I found that it tasted almost like it had hot. Unlike some other flavored coffees, the Michigan Cherry blend did not shift significantly in flavor between hot and cool... the cherry flavor grew a bit stronger but that was it. 

When consumed with Unsweetened Almond Milk, the cherry flavor was enhanced while the coffee flavor retreated. This was even more true when I drank it with the sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer. Again, the flavors remained stable as the drink cooled, and it was a mellow and pleasurable drink throughout.

If you are drinking Coffee Beanery's Michigan Cherry for the cherry flavor, though, the best way to have it is cold and over ice. The cherry flavor is front and center whether you drink it black or with milk or creamer added.

The one thing that I LOVED about this blend, even more than drinking it, was the aroma. The smell of cherries rose from every cup--whether hot, room temperature, or iced--and it lingered even after the cup was empty. I can't explain how a drink with such a mellow flavor could have such a strong aroma, but I loved it.

When it comes time to replenish my coffee supply, I'll be getting a bag of Coffee Beanery's Michigan Cherry. I want to try this blend with Unsweetened Almond Milk or Unsweetened Chocolate Milk, or a mix of those;, I want to try it iced and with vodka; I want to try this blend mixed with a whole host of other flavors mixed in, and I think they'll all be great!

SHADES OF GRAY COFFEE FACTS #1:

Jackie Kennedy hated bad coffee with an almost psychotic intensity. Every time she drank a cup, her husband, President John F. Kennedy, prayed to God he wouldn't be called upon to nuke Brazil.

Coming Soon to PBS!

Witness a bold re-imagining of the immortal classic when the farmer's daughter, Sally, falls in love with Opie, a hunky man who is cursed to turn into a swan while the sun shines.

See Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake" as you've never seen it before! Check your local listings for the date and time!

Mary and Jim are gonna marry! Nothing will stop them! Except...

They Would Elope (1909)
Starring: Mary Pickford, Billy Quirk, and James Kirkwood
Director: D.W. Griffith
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A young couple (Pickford and Quirk), convinced their families are opposed to their desire to get married, decide to elope. But Fate keeps trying to stop them.

I almost gave up on "They Would Elope" roughly one minute in, because it felt stagey even for an early silent movie. Not only that, it felt stagey in a bad way, with the actors performing on a stage that was far too small for the scene they were attempting. (Her parents walk in on the young lovers canoodling, but they don't notice them initially, despite standing right next to them and talking. And the young lovers don't notice the parents intially, despite the fact they are standing right next to them, talking. The scene is so badly done that I found it hard to believe that it was in a D.W. Griffith film.)  

I'm glad I kept watching, though, because moments later, an amusing twist was introduced into the story... and from that point forward the film went down a very deliberate, very silly path. Even as it grew more silly, it grew more charming. I went from almost turning the film off to eagerly wanting to see what would happen when the young lovers inevitably reunited with their families.

I think "They Would Elope" is the first comedy from D.W. Griffith I've seen. While it has its flaws, it's just as fast-paced as his dramatic short films, and I think modern audiences will be as entertained by it as they were in 1909. One thing I personally realized (or perhaps rediscovered after forgetting, because I feel like I should have known this already) is that filmmakers were making full-on satires of melodramas as far back as the early days of cinema. 

I am embedding "They Would Elope" via YouTube to make it easy for you to enjoy this fun movie. Feel free to leave a comment on this post if you think my estimation of it is off.

Starting June with Junes

We're bringing on the Junes on this first Picture Perfect Wednesday of June!

Bessie Love and the Mist Maiden's Kit

It time for us to reveal another chapter in the secret life of actress/adventuress Bessie Love. As is our habit, we translate the magical artifacts she encountered during this adventure in d20 System roleplaying game rules.

--

 In October of 1928, Bessie Love traveled to Seattle, WA. She was her way to what was rumored to be the most haunted lighthouse in the world on Devastation Point, but the night her train pulled into the Seattle station, a series of brutal murders began. Someone was stabbing and mutilate young, beautiful, and free-spirited women... someone who seemed to simply dissolve into the rain or mist after performing the hideous deed. The killer eventually claimed eight victims and became known as the Seattle Creeper.

Love eventually tracked and defeated the killer, discovering that she was a librarian whose fiance had cheated on her with several women and then jilted her at the altar. The woman had a vast amount of arcane knowledge, which she used to acquire a trio of stealth-enhancing artifacts collectively known as the Mist Maiden's Kit, and then went on her murder spree. 

After defeating the murderous woman, Love added the artifacts to her collection. She would, on occasion, use the Mist Maiden's Kit during her investigations since its potential drawbacks were minor and more inconvenient than dangerous. 

Bessie Love wearing the Mist Maiden's Kit

d20 SYSTEM RULES

The rest of the text in this post is released under the Open Game License, and it may be produced in accordance with those terms. 

The Mist Maiden's Kit

In 1924, a young couple, Carlton Jamieson and Lisa Svensen decided to become "rum-runners" and smuggle illegal liquor from Canada and across Lake Erie. The couple already ran an "underground railroad" that smuggled criminals and other people on the run across the Lake Erie from Cleveland and into Canada, so was a small thing for them to expand into a new and lucrative area.

Carlton and Lisa were both from families who were long-time practitioners of sorcery and they used their arcane knowledge to facilitate their smuggling ventures, be they transporting humans or booze. Lisa had crafted a number of items that augmented stealth while Carlton enchanted their boat to travel more quickly and quietly across the waters. Although young, Lisa was already renowned for her ability to transform or conceal items or beings, and had earned the nickname "The Mist Maiden." (It was a small irony that Lisa was an expert at stealth magic, since she loved being fashionable and loved being the center of attention.)

Sadly, the couple's magic was no protection when hardcore gangsters decided they wanted to take over their operation, and killed Carlton while sinking the boat. A heartbroken Lisa used her magical gifts to take revenge on those who murdered her beloved. She used the same magical tools that had once helped her avoid detection while smuggling to gain access to those who murdered Carlton and execute them.

When the last man involved with the murder was dead, Lisa wished that she could be reunited with Carlton, and she dissolved into mist, leaving behind only the stealth-augmenting artifacts she was wearing--the Galoshes of Stealth, the Raincoat of Protection, and the Rainhat of Hiding. Each of the three items have a magical effect when worn, but their individual magical auras combine to provide the wearer with the ability to dissolve herself and all things worn or carried into vapor and then later reversing the process.

The Galoshes of Stealth

This is a pair of tan rubber overshoes that can be fastened to protect the wearer's calves as well. (During the 1920s, it was fashionable for young women to leave their galoshes unfastened, with the tops either folded or flapping loose.)

   The Galoshes of Stealth protects the wearer's feet (and lower legs, if properly fastened) from any liquid she might step in, up and including lava. Additionally, the wearer can move through any type of terrain and leave neither footprints nor scent. Tracking the subjects is impossible by nonmagical means.

The Raincoat of Protection

This is a black-trimmed, tan raincoat that's covered in a delicate, floral pattern that conceals the magical runes powering the item's enchantments. The pattern matches that on the Rainhat of Hiding.

   The Raincoat of Protection grants the wearer a +2 to AC/DR, as well as a +4 bonus to saving throws made to resist effects and damage from element-based spells and abilities. Finally, once it is brought out of the rain, it is immediately dry and clean.

The Rainhat of Hiding

This is a black-trimmed, tan rainhat that's covered in a delicate floral pattern that conceals the magical runes powering the items enchantments. The pattern matches that on the Raincoat of Protection.

   The Rainhat of Hiding grants the wearer a +4 bonus to all Hide skill checks and a +4 bonus to Move Silently checks. The bonuses are lost if the wearer intentionally calls attention to him- or herself, such as making an attack, a loud noise, or waving around a flashlight or bright object. The bonuses can be restored if the character can duck out of view of watchers.

   Like the Raincoat of Protection, this item is immediately dry and clean once it is brought out of the rain.

Combined Powers of the Maiden's Kit

When worn together, the three items give the wearer the ability to turn into a cloud of fine mist that is roughly the same shape and size as the character when wearing the Maiden's Kit. In order to transform, the wearer must take a full round action to will herself to assume a misty form, and make a successful Willpower saving throw (DC8). If the check fails, another attempt can be made the following round.

   Once transformed into mist, the character gains the following benefits:

   * Gains +20 bonus to all Hide checks when outside in the dark, and a +10 bonus if inside in the dark. If someone were to  Is completely undetectable through normal means when in mist or fog.

   * Can do anything a cloud of mists can do, such as flow through a crack under the door or a window. The character leaves a very faint trail of moisture.

   * Can move across the surface of water at the same movement rate as if on solid, even ground. (The character cannot enter the water, however.)

   * Immune to physical attacks, but also cannot make attacks or cast any spells, defensive or offensive.

   * +4 bonus to all saving throws against effects and damage from magical and supernatural attacks.

The transformation ends if the character loses consciousness, is subjected to an anti-magic field, dispel magic (at a 20th-level caster strength), or takes a full round action to will herself back into a solid state with a successful Willpower saving throw (DC12). If the Willpower roll fails, the character remains in her misty state for 1d12+2 hours before finally becoming solid again.

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For a complete index to all of Bessie Love's adventures that have been revealed here at Shades of Gray, click here.

Musical Monday with Bright Eyes

The indie rock band Bright Eyes has been around since the mid-1990s (although they took a break during most of the 2010s as members pursued solo projects. I didn't know they existed until last week when I came across a news story about lead-singer Conor Oberst walking off stage during a concert after just two songs. This appears to be the latest incident of many during which appears to be a troubled 2022 tour.

While doing a little research on the band, I came across the video for their 2007 song "Four Winds". I love how brilliantly the lyrics are mismatched with the style of the music. And I think you'll appreciate the video as much as I did.

 

If you liked that song, and if you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, you can listen to one of their albums here.

What Is Basic Coffee? Read On for the Answer!

In drinking all sorts of different coffees over the past year, I have found the answer to a question I wasn't even considering: What is Basic Coffee?

Basic Coffee is that kind of coffee that tastes like, well, coffee. It doesn't matter who roasted it, it doesn't matter who markets it, or how. It doesn't matter what you put in it. It doesn't matter whether you drink it hot, room temperature, or iced. So long as the coffee flavor isn't completely drowned by milks, creamers and/or booze, Basic Coffee tastes like you think basic coffee tastes like.

I discovered Basic Coffee by accident. Like many great discoveries, I stumbled upon knowledge rather than actively sought it out. Now, I share that knowledge with you! (And for those who can't stand the suspense, Basic Coffee is that which is grown in Colombia.)

That feeling when you want Black Excitement, but all you have is Basic Coffee

 
UNKNOWN BRAND: WHOLE BEANS COLOMBIAN

A friend of mine sent me a bag of medium roast, unground Colombian coffee he got at an indie grocery store in Florida. It came a brown bag with the contents identified by someone handwriting a note on it. This was from the same source, and in the same kind of packaging, as the very excellent Tanzanian Peabody coffee I wrote about a few months ago. Needless to say, I had high hopes for this.

Since this was "just" coffee with no flavors or other fancy flourishes added, the grinding and brewing held no surprises: Just a pleasant coffee smell. The same was true as I poured the first cup. The aroma was pleasant and exactly what I would expect it to be.

I drank the first cup of this coffee, hot and black. It was a decent enough medium roast, and, as anyone who's been reading these articles for a while know, even the mild bite of this coffee was a bit much for me. So I added some sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer, and I found myself enjoying the drink a lot more. The flavor was stable as the coffee cooled to room temperature, and it remained tasty.

Next, I tried it with Unsweetened Almond Milk. There were, once again, no surprises. It was coffee with Unsweetened Almond Milk. It put me in mind of late nights at work. I tried adding half a packet of Stevia to the mix, but it remained a blandly diluted coffee flavor. As it cooled to room temperature, the taste remained just as bland. Trying it with a Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk was better (with no Stevia needed), but it was the flavor of vanilla that brought the drink to life, no so much anything that the coffee had to offer. Nothing here was bad... just not something to shout from the rooftops about.

When I drank this Colombian Antigua blend over ice, the results were the same: "Yup... that's coffee. And that's coffee with stuff added."

As I finished my notes on this blend, I wondered to myself if all the flavored coffees I've been reviewing over the past year (like the many fabulous Bones Coffee offerings) had spoiled me. I didn't THINK normal coffee had been spoiled for me--after all, I didn't find Signature Select's Sun-Kissed Blonde nor Bones Coffee's Costa Rica Single Source blends unremarkable. Sure... I'd gotten into the mindset that drinking coffee had to be an "experience" (which was new), but I still understood that regular coffee is regular coffee. Or did I?

The answer began to dawn on me when I made a mistake and brewed a different pot of coffee than I had intended to. 

COFFEE BEANERY: COLOMBIAN

Shortly after my experience with the freshly ground, unimpressive Colombian coffee discussed above, I accidentally brewed a pot of the single-source Colombian blend from Coffee Beanery. My intent had been to drink and review their Michigan Cherry flavored blend (so my introduction to a new caffeine source would be something I was almost certain to love), but I grabbed the wrong package and realized my mistake too late.

It turned out to be an enlightening experience, because everything about the Colombian blend from Coffee Beanery was EXACTLY like the Colombian. There was nothing terrible about any of the results from what I mixed it with or what temperature I drank it at. This was a fine-tasting, medium roast coffee. In fact, it was pretty much spot-on what I would expect a fine-tasting medium roast coffee to be. 

Just to make sure that I could not detect any major differences in flavor between the Coffee Beanery offering and the Colombian whole beans the friend had sent me, I ground some and brewed a new pot. Again, my reaction was, "Yup. It's coffee. It's not bad, it's not great. It's just average coffee."

I couldn't even discern the difference between freshly ground coffee and pre-ground coffee that aficionados like to talk about. While it's true that Coffee Beanery claims to roast and grind in small batches, and I brewed their Colombian variety on the very same day I received the samples I ordered from them, I should have been able to detect the difference in freshness between the two? Was this confirmation of my long-time stance on snobbish talk about how freshly ground coffee is much better-tasting than pre-ground stuff is just so much psychosomatic claptrap? 

Maybe my taste buds aren't refined enough. Maybe I'm not decanting it properly. But whether it was the very freshly ground Colombian, or the pre-ground Colombian shipped to me through the mail, the tastes were identical.

The conclusion I was coming to was that Colombian coffee is "just coffee" to me... it's a flat baseline against which all other coffees are judged as either inferior or superior. I had just never been aware of this being the case. (I began my coffee-drinking ways with Gevalia Kaffe in Denmark, with what I suspect was a light-roast consisting of a blend of Colombian and other sources. All I knew was that I liked it with milk and sugar.)

I did one more test before making up my mind. For that, I turned to what's been the main go-to supplier of coffee review fodder for the past year: Bones Coffee!

BONES COFFEE COMPANY: COLOMBIA SINGLE ORIGIN

Bones Coffee's Colombia Single Origin came my via their World Tour Sample Pack. It became the third and final component to convincing me that Colombian coffee is the world's most basic coffee.

Why? Because the Colombia Single Origin blend tasted like the Coffee Beanery Colombian blend, which tasted like the no-name Colombian medium-roast beans when they were freshly ground and immediately brewed. When mixed with my standard reviewing additives of Unsweetened Almond Milk, sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer--and even trying it with a few other variations, like Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk, Unsweetened Dark Chocolate Almond Milk, or black with Stevia added--the only reaction I had was, "Yum. This is tasty and completely unremarkable coffee. It's not bad, it's not amazing... it's just basic."

For a more complete evaluation of Bones' Colombia Single Origin, I refer you to the first review in this article. If I were to actually write this one up, I would be saying the exact same things.

THE OFFICIAL BASIC COFFEE

So... having consumed Colombian medium-roast coffee from three different roasteries, and with one of those three being brewed from the much-praised freshly ground beans, and having the exact same thought about all three, I have determined that coffee grown in Colombia is Basic Coffee.

If you're looking for a coffee that's relatively mild and free of any unexpected aftertastes or curious sub-flavors, this is the coffee for you. Colombian delivers the basic coffee experience with frills and no drawbacks. It's probably also the ideal foundation if you're the kind of person who likes creating their own flavored blends or other mad science experiments involving coffee.

(OR IS IT?)

I have declared Colombian coffee to be the world's Basic Coffee, and unofficial polling of followers on my social media accounts established that those who had an opinion didn't disagree with my nomination. That said, if I had begun by coffee-drinking ways with Vietnamese coffee, perhaps THAT would be "Basic Coffee" to me. We'll never know.

If you have any thoughts on what is or isn't Basic Coffee, go ahead and leave a comment below. I'd love to hear what more people think about my conclusions on this question that I don't think anyone even asked.

Juan Valdez and his burros laboring to bring the world tasty (if basic) coffee