Bessie Love and the Mist Maiden's Kit

It time for us to reveal another chapter in the secret life of actress/adventuress Bessie Love. As is our habit, we translate the magical artifacts she encountered during this adventure in d20 System roleplaying game rules.

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 In October of 1928, Bessie Love traveled to Seattle, WA. She was her way to what was rumored to be the most haunted lighthouse in the world on Devastation Point, but the night her train pulled into the Seattle station, a series of brutal murders began. Someone was stabbing and mutilate young, beautiful, and free-spirited women... someone who seemed to simply dissolve into the rain or mist after performing the hideous deed. The killer eventually claimed eight victims and became known as the Seattle Creeper.

Love eventually tracked and defeated the killer, discovering that she was a librarian whose fiance had cheated on her with several women and then jilted her at the altar. The woman had a vast amount of arcane knowledge, which she used to acquire a trio of stealth-enhancing artifacts collectively known as the Mist Maiden's Kit, and then went on her murder spree. 

After defeating the murderous woman, Love added the artifacts to her collection. She would, on occasion, use the Mist Maiden's Kit during her investigations since its potential drawbacks were minor and more inconvenient than dangerous. 

Bessie Love wearing the Mist Maiden's Kit

d20 SYSTEM RULES

The rest of the text in this post is released under the Open Game License, and it may be produced in accordance with those terms. 

The Mist Maiden's Kit

In 1924, a young couple, Carlton Jamieson and Lisa Svensen decided to become "rum-runners" and smuggle illegal liquor from Canada and across Lake Erie. The couple already ran an "underground railroad" that smuggled criminals and other people on the run across the Lake Erie from Cleveland and into Canada, so was a small thing for them to expand into a new and lucrative area.

Carlton and Lisa were both from families who were long-time practitioners of sorcery and they used their arcane knowledge to facilitate their smuggling ventures, be they transporting humans or booze. Lisa had crafted a number of items that augmented stealth while Carlton enchanted their boat to travel more quickly and quietly across the waters. Although young, Lisa was already renowned for her ability to transform or conceal items or beings, and had earned the nickname "The Mist Maiden." (It was a small irony that Lisa was an expert at stealth magic, since she loved being fashionable and loved being the center of attention.)

Sadly, the couple's magic was no protection when hardcore gangsters decided they wanted to take over their operation, and killed Carlton while sinking the boat. A heartbroken Lisa used her magical gifts to take revenge on those who murdered her beloved. She used the same magical tools that had once helped her avoid detection while smuggling to gain access to those who murdered Carlton and execute them.

When the last man involved with the murder was dead, Lisa wished that she could be reunited with Carlton, and she dissolved into mist, leaving behind only the stealth-augmenting artifacts she was wearing--the Galoshes of Stealth, the Raincoat of Protection, and the Rainhat of Hiding. Each of the three items have a magical effect when worn, but their individual magical auras combine to provide the wearer with the ability to dissolve herself and all things worn or carried into vapor and then later reversing the process.

The Galoshes of Stealth

This is a pair of tan rubber overshoes that can be fastened to protect the wearer's calves as well. (During the 1920s, it was fashionable for young women to leave their galoshes unfastened, with the tops either folded or flapping loose.)

   The Galoshes of Stealth protects the wearer's feet (and lower legs, if properly fastened) from any liquid she might step in, up and including lava. Additionally, the wearer can move through any type of terrain and leave neither footprints nor scent. Tracking the subjects is impossible by nonmagical means.

The Raincoat of Protection

This is a black-trimmed, tan raincoat that's covered in a delicate, floral pattern that conceals the magical runes powering the item's enchantments. The pattern matches that on the Rainhat of Hiding.

   The Raincoat of Protection grants the wearer a +2 to AC/DR, as well as a +4 bonus to saving throws made to resist effects and damage from element-based spells and abilities. Finally, once it is brought out of the rain, it is immediately dry and clean.

The Rainhat of Hiding

This is a black-trimmed, tan rainhat that's covered in a delicate floral pattern that conceals the magical runes powering the items enchantments. The pattern matches that on the Raincoat of Protection.

   The Rainhat of Hiding grants the wearer a +4 bonus to all Hide skill checks and a +4 bonus to Move Silently checks. The bonuses are lost if the wearer intentionally calls attention to him- or herself, such as making an attack, a loud noise, or waving around a flashlight or bright object. The bonuses can be restored if the character can duck out of view of watchers.

   Like the Raincoat of Protection, this item is immediately dry and clean once it is brought out of the rain.

Combined Powers of the Maiden's Kit

When worn together, the three items give the wearer the ability to turn into a cloud of fine mist that is roughly the same shape and size as the character when wearing the Maiden's Kit. In order to transform, the wearer must take a full round action to will herself to assume a misty form, and make a successful Willpower saving throw (DC8). If the check fails, another attempt can be made the following round.

   Once transformed into mist, the character gains the following benefits:

   * Gains +20 bonus to all Hide checks when outside in the dark, and a +10 bonus if inside in the dark. If someone were to  Is completely undetectable through normal means when in mist or fog.

   * Can do anything a cloud of mists can do, such as flow through a crack under the door or a window. The character leaves a very faint trail of moisture.

   * Can move across the surface of water at the same movement rate as if on solid, even ground. (The character cannot enter the water, however.)

   * Immune to physical attacks, but also cannot make attacks or cast any spells, defensive or offensive.

   * +4 bonus to all saving throws against effects and damage from magical and supernatural attacks.

The transformation ends if the character loses consciousness, is subjected to an anti-magic field, dispel magic (at a 20th-level caster strength), or takes a full round action to will herself back into a solid state with a successful Willpower saving throw (DC12). If the Willpower roll fails, the character remains in her misty state for 1d12+2 hours before finally becoming solid again.

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For a complete index to all of Bessie Love's adventures that have been revealed here at Shades of Gray, click here.

Musical Monday with Bright Eyes

The indie rock band Bright Eyes has been around since the mid-1990s (although they took a break during most of the 2010s as members pursued solo projects. I didn't know they existed until last week when I came across a news story about lead-singer Conor Oberst walking off stage during a concert after just two songs. This appears to be the latest incident of many during which appears to be a troubled 2022 tour.

While doing a little research on the band, I came across the video for their 2007 song "Four Winds". I love how brilliantly the lyrics are mismatched with the style of the music. And I think you'll appreciate the video as much as I did.

 

If you liked that song, and if you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, you can listen to one of their albums here.

What Is Basic Coffee? Read On for the Answer!

In drinking all sorts of different coffees over the past year, I have found the answer to a question I wasn't even considering: What is Basic Coffee?

Basic Coffee is that kind of coffee that tastes like, well, coffee. It doesn't matter who roasted it, it doesn't matter who markets it, or how. It doesn't matter what you put in it. It doesn't matter whether you drink it hot, room temperature, or iced. So long as the coffee flavor isn't completely drowned by milks, creamers and/or booze, Basic Coffee tastes like you think basic coffee tastes like.

I discovered Basic Coffee by accident. Like many great discoveries, I stumbled upon knowledge rather than actively sought it out. Now, I share that knowledge with you! (And for those who can't stand the suspense, Basic Coffee is that which is grown in Colombia.)

That feeling when you want Black Excitement, but all you have is Basic Coffee

 
UNKNOWN BRAND: WHOLE BEANS COLOMBIAN

A friend of mine sent me a bag of medium roast, unground Colombian coffee he got at an indie grocery store in Florida. It came a brown bag with the contents identified by someone handwriting a note on it. This was from the same source, and in the same kind of packaging, as the very excellent Tanzanian Peabody coffee I wrote about a few months ago. Needless to say, I had high hopes for this.

Since this was "just" coffee with no flavors or other fancy flourishes added, the grinding and brewing held no surprises: Just a pleasant coffee smell. The same was true as I poured the first cup. The aroma was pleasant and exactly what I would expect it to be.

I drank the first cup of this coffee, hot and black. It was a decent enough medium roast, and, as anyone who's been reading these articles for a while know, even the mild bite of this coffee was a bit much for me. So I added some sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer, and I found myself enjoying the drink a lot more. The flavor was stable as the coffee cooled to room temperature, and it remained tasty.

Next, I tried it with Unsweetened Almond Milk. There were, once again, no surprises. It was coffee with Unsweetened Almond Milk. It put me in mind of late nights at work. I tried adding half a packet of Stevia to the mix, but it remained a blandly diluted coffee flavor. As it cooled to room temperature, the taste remained just as bland. Trying it with a Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk was better (with no Stevia needed), but it was the flavor of vanilla that brought the drink to life, no so much anything that the coffee had to offer. Nothing here was bad... just not something to shout from the rooftops about.

When I drank this Colombian Antigua blend over ice, the results were the same: "Yup... that's coffee. And that's coffee with stuff added."

As I finished my notes on this blend, I wondered to myself if all the flavored coffees I've been reviewing over the past year (like the many fabulous Bones Coffee offerings) had spoiled me. I didn't THINK normal coffee had been spoiled for me--after all, I didn't find Signature Select's Sun-Kissed Blonde nor Bones Coffee's Costa Rica Single Source blends unremarkable. Sure... I'd gotten into the mindset that drinking coffee had to be an "experience" (which was new), but I still understood that regular coffee is regular coffee. Or did I?

The answer began to dawn on me when I made a mistake and brewed a different pot of coffee than I had intended to. 

COFFEE BEANERY: COLOMBIAN

Shortly after my experience with the freshly ground, unimpressive Colombian coffee discussed above, I accidentally brewed a pot of the single-source Colombian blend from Coffee Beanery. My intent had been to drink and review their Michigan Cherry flavored blend (so my introduction to a new caffeine source would be something I was almost certain to love), but I grabbed the wrong package and realized my mistake too late.

It turned out to be an enlightening experience, because everything about the Colombian blend from Coffee Beanery was EXACTLY like the Colombian. There was nothing terrible about any of the results from what I mixed it with or what temperature I drank it at. This was a fine-tasting, medium roast coffee. In fact, it was pretty much spot-on what I would expect a fine-tasting medium roast coffee to be. 

Just to make sure that I could not detect any major differences in flavor between the Coffee Beanery offering and the Colombian whole beans the friend had sent me, I ground some and brewed a new pot. Again, my reaction was, "Yup. It's coffee. It's not bad, it's not great. It's just average coffee."

I couldn't even discern the difference between freshly ground coffee and pre-ground coffee that aficionados like to talk about. While it's true that Coffee Beanery claims to roast and grind in small batches, and I brewed their Colombian variety on the very same day I received the samples I ordered from them, I should have been able to detect the difference in freshness between the two? Was this confirmation of my long-time stance on snobbish talk about how freshly ground coffee is much better-tasting than pre-ground stuff is just so much psychosomatic claptrap? 

Maybe my taste buds aren't refined enough. Maybe I'm not decanting it properly. But whether it was the very freshly ground Colombian, or the pre-ground Colombian shipped to me through the mail, the tastes were identical.

The conclusion I was coming to was that Colombian coffee is "just coffee" to me... it's a flat baseline against which all other coffees are judged as either inferior or superior. I had just never been aware of this being the case. (I began my coffee-drinking ways with Gevalia Kaffe in Denmark, with what I suspect was a light-roast consisting of a blend of Colombian and other sources. All I knew was that I liked it with milk and sugar.)

I did one more test before making up my mind. For that, I turned to what's been the main go-to supplier of coffee review fodder for the past year: Bones Coffee!

BONES COFFEE COMPANY: COLOMBIA SINGLE ORIGIN

Bones Coffee's Colombia Single Origin came my via their World Tour Sample Pack. It became the third and final component to convincing me that Colombian coffee is the world's most basic coffee.

Why? Because the Colombia Single Origin blend tasted like the Coffee Beanery Colombian blend, which tasted like the no-name Colombian medium-roast beans when they were freshly ground and immediately brewed. When mixed with my standard reviewing additives of Unsweetened Almond Milk, sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer--and even trying it with a few other variations, like Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk, Unsweetened Dark Chocolate Almond Milk, or black with Stevia added--the only reaction I had was, "Yum. This is tasty and completely unremarkable coffee. It's not bad, it's not amazing... it's just basic."

For a more complete evaluation of Bones' Colombia Single Origin, I refer you to the first review in this article. If I were to actually write this one up, I would be saying the exact same things.

THE OFFICIAL BASIC COFFEE

So... having consumed Colombian medium-roast coffee from three different roasteries, and with one of those three being brewed from the much-praised freshly ground beans, and having the exact same thought about all three, I have determined that coffee grown in Colombia is Basic Coffee.

If you're looking for a coffee that's relatively mild and free of any unexpected aftertastes or curious sub-flavors, this is the coffee for you. Colombian delivers the basic coffee experience with frills and no drawbacks. It's probably also the ideal foundation if you're the kind of person who likes creating their own flavored blends or other mad science experiments involving coffee.

(OR IS IT?)

I have declared Colombian coffee to be the world's Basic Coffee, and unofficial polling of followers on my social media accounts established that those who had an opinion didn't disagree with my nomination. That said, if I had begun by coffee-drinking ways with Vietnamese coffee, perhaps THAT would be "Basic Coffee" to me. We'll never know.

If you have any thoughts on what is or isn't Basic Coffee, go ahead and leave a comment below. I'd love to hear what more people think about my conclusions on this question that I don't think anyone even asked.

Juan Valdez and his burros laboring to bring the world tasty (if basic) coffee

Gun Fury Returns!

Gun Fury Returns #1 - #4 

(Aircel Comics/Malibu Graphics, June - September 1990)

Story: Barry Blair
Art: Dave Cooper

Rating: Six of Ten Stars

New York City has been overrun by costumed heroes and villains. Millionaire Donald Lump believes Gun Fury and Ammo can restore some semblance of order, so he coaxes them out of retirement by funding new equipment for them and providing a base of operations. The city has been overrun by costumed heroes and villains, and only Gun Fury can restore some semblance of order!

Gun Fury and Ammo were the stars of a ten-issue superhero parody series that ran from January to October of 1989. There are hints that, despite the series wrapping up with the heroes retiring at the end of #10, there were course adjustments in the final 2-3 issues, because the creators knew cancelation was looming due to low sales. 

In mid-1990, Gun Fury and Ammo returned for four more whacky adventures of questionable taste, brought to us by the original creative team of Barry Blair (writer and creator) and Dave Cooper (artist and sometime co-plotter) in the limited series "Gun Fury Returns". In keeping with the tone of the original series, "Gun Fury Returns" is full low-brow spoofs of popular comic book characters and dominant industry business and storytelling trends. (You can read my thoughts about the original series by clicking here [issues 1-5] and here [issues 6-10].

One thing that immediately jumps out if you put the four issues of this series side-by-side is that the covers get progressively more unappealing and downright ugly. Take a look:

Does the interior artwork and stories follow this same progression, you may ask? Generally no--except for #4 where artist Cooper didn't do the excellent ink washes that graced all the pages up until that point. There is a fairly steady level of quality throughout the series... which is both good and bad.

"Gun Fury Returns" follows the rhythm that the first series fell into as of issue #6: Each issue features a self-contained story, with Gun Fury and Ammo being the only recurring characters and everything being tied together with a thin subplot that's little more than a running joke. In this mini-series, the subplot is about Gun Fury's hemorrhoids, which should tell you something about the level of humor present within the pages.

The first issue of the mini-series is perhaps the weakest. I remember reading it back in 1990 and being disappointed in it. I particularly found the Batman spoof that is the central feature of the issue to be overly juvenile and crass (even by the standards of the previous series), as well as a little trite and redundant since Gun Fury and Ammo were already something of a Batman spoof. 

Thirty years later, I still find "Batman and Throbbin" and the related, embarrassingly obvious scatological humor to be lame, but, because there have been one redundant Batman movie after another, I also feel like this target is even more deserving than it was Back In The Day. The Alfred-type character made me chuckle back then, and it is still one of the more amusing (and darker) elements of the parody. 

Issue #2 offers an X-Men spoof -- The Yes Men. The story here is an improvement over the first issue, and the subplot involving Gun Fury's hemorrhoids actually serves a purpose other than providing some mildly gross gags. This issue's main target was the seemingly never-ending, ever-present X-Men crossovers that Marvel was dishing out during the late-1980s--and into the 1990s, as well as the big-boobed women that became increasingly common in the pages of comics. I was never much of an X-Men reader--the mutant stories in "Marvel Comics Presents" was all that I followed--and the incessent crossovers into titles I DID follow were a contributing factor to my getting away from Marvel Comics (except when I had to read them for work purposes). For this reason, some of the humor in this issue may be lost on me, but them being cast as basically a fetish sex club was something I found very amusing. Further, over all, the timing of the gags were better in this issue than any one previously; Blair and Cooper seem to have found a perfect rhythm... and this carries through to the end of the series.

Issue #3 skewers two indie comics properties that exploded in popularity during the 1980s, ElfQuest and the Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. This issue features what is probably the most mature industry commentary featured in all 14 issues in which Gun Fury appeared. Wrapped within the usual, off-color gags, the story takes shots at how art can take a back seat to creativity (with caricatures of ElfQuest creators Wendi and Richard Pini callously exploiting dog-riding elves to enrich themselves) and how putting greed above all else will eventually come back to haunt and destroy creators (or at least their reputation and stature).

This issue may stand out from the rest, in part because the villains here are satirical versions of friends of Blair--and they would eventually hire him to contribute to their expanding ElfQuest fiefdom, in the "New Blood" spinoff series. More care and less vitriol was probably infused into this script than any of the others--although I assume the Pinis were consulted on the jokes, because Richard comes off REALLY badly. (For what it's worth, I had some small dealings with Richard Pini during the early mid-1990s and my last halfhearted attempts to break into comics. He came across as a nice guy.)

The mini-series closes with a Spider-Man spoof, including the sentient suit from "Secret Wars" (which eventually became an even dumber concept via the invention of the Venom and Carnage characters). Story-wise, this issue is on-par with #3, and Blair's comedy version of Peter Parker at his most whiny is hilarious. The only disappointing aspect of this issue is that the art feels unfinished and a bit empty, because the excellent ink wash finishes  are not applied here as they had been in the previous 13 issues. (The panel that opens this post is from "Gun Fury Returns" #4.)

 

Like most satire, "Gun Fury Returns" is, to a large extent, a product of its time. Much of the humor will be silent or even baffling to readers who aren't familiar with tropes or controversies or fads that permeating comic books and the comic book industry in the late 1980s/early 1990s. The original 10-issue series was broader based in its humor, in the sense that the pot-shots at fans and creators and publishers involve stereotypes and issues that continue to present day, so in that sense its held up better to the passage of time. As a snap-shot of history and as a irreverent and off-color walk down memory lane for Gen-X comics fans, "Gun Fury Returns" still entertains.

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For an excellent exploration of the man behind the creation, Barry Blair, click here.

Dont be shy. Watch 'Bashful'!

Bashful (1917)
Starring: Harold Lloyd, Bebe Daniels, William Blaisdell, Snub Pollard, Belle Mitchell, and Bud Jamison
Director: Alf Goulding
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

A shy young man (Lloyd) will inherit millions of dollars if he has a wife and child. When the estate executor (Blaisdell) pays him a visit, his girlfriend (Daniels) pretends to be his wife, and his manservant (Pollard) and cook (Mitchell) set out to find and "borrow" a baby.

"Bashful" hits the ground running and never slows down for its 9-minute running time. The early part of the film is amusing, but things get over-the-top hilarious once the menacing executor of the estate (played with great effect by the giant-of-a-man William Blaisdell) arrives to vet the heir and his family, and the household staff go through their efforts to make sure their employer can present a baby.

As is almost always the case, Harold Lloyd and Bebe Daniels are a joy to watch. This film is made all the more fun by there being a slight role reversal to what was typical in these older films: Daniels' character wants to smooch with Lloyd's character and she isn't afraid to go after him for it. Meanwhile, Lloyd's character is more demure and brushes off her advances. (Daniels played a similar character in "Off the Trolley", which is another Lloyd/Daniels pairing I highly recommend.)

 

As mentioned above, "Bashful" is a fast-moving film, and not a second of screen time is wasted on anything that doesn't move the plot along, or isn't a gag or an extended comedy bit. This might have been an Eight Star film if it had been a little slower in a couple of different ways--or maybe a little longer. The film ends with a couple of MAJOR plot elements unresolved--and they had intersected and were coming to a head as things fade to black. 

I don't think the version I've watched is incomplete, because the ending isn't abrupt and satisfying in the overall context of the film... but I would have loved to see the total chaos and possible brawling and chases that almost certainly descended upon the Lloyd household after. All it would have taken would be another minute or two or run-time (well, and a longer shooting schedule and a bigger budget and...)

I can't go into details about what those plot elements are without ruining some of the film's funniest moments, but I hope you will take a few minutes to check out this great little film. I'm not terribly fond of the music used in this version, but the image quality is fantastic!

And if you feel inclined, let me know if you agree with my view that this would have been an even better film if those severed plot threads and been run out completely.

Where have the dancers gotten to?

On International Dance Day 2022, the ballerinas ran off into the wild. We're trying to keep track of them, and we'll try to bring you updates on the last Wednesday of each month until International Dance Day 2023.

Some of the ballerinas got on buses going everywhere...

... and others caught trains to somewhere.

Kate decided to make her fortune as a trader on Wall Street...

... while poor Violeta somehow ended up in Chicago.

Meanwhile, Francesca went to England...

... and Katie went to France...

... and we don't know where Sydney is, but we can see her underpants!

 

Wherever they find themselves we hope the ballerinas are all being careful and looking both ways before they cross the street...

... or at least staying in the crosswalks!

'Say Nothing' is a stylish mini-thriller

Say Nothing (2022)
Starring: Jake Libner, Craig Roath, and Callie Stonecipher
Directors: Joe Rosener and Jak Velinsky
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Jake (Libner) is a prisoner being subjected to a brutal interrogation. When sees an opportunity to escape, he takes it. But will his interrogator (Roath) capture him before Jake reaches the warmth and safety of his home and loving wife (Stonecipher).

"Say Nothing" is a stylish mini-thriller with an aura of film noir hanging around it thickly. I liked it so much that even though I recognized what it was inspired by, and thus knew where it was ultimately headed, I still enjoyed it right up until the end.

One thing I really liked about the film was the clever way the filmmakers handled transitions. There was already artificial abuse and aging (of the kind you see on those bargain DVDs of public domain or copyright-orphaned films from producers like Alpha Video) done to the footage, and they used the appearance of severe scratches and damage to denote scene changes. I also liked the lighting of the scenes in general, as well as the camerawork. The technical aspects of this film really made it for me.

The only real complaint I can mount is that the entire film was too dark. Although I liked the way the scenes were lit, it was sometimes hard to see what was going on because everything was so dark. If the picture had been a bit brighter and with a little more contrast, I think I might have given this a rating of Seven. (I suspect the dark quality of the film may be a product of the desire to make the footage seem "old", despite the prominent presence of a cellphone.)

A less valid complaint, but one that also probably would have prompted me to give "Say Nothing" another Star (for a possible total of Eight) is that I think it could have been served well with a few lines of actual dialog. While it works as a silent movie, and is enhanced by a well-synchronized score, it would have been even stronger if there had been a voice on the cellphone, or if the interrogator spoke a few lines, and even if we got ot hear from Jake and his wife.

But, like I said, this works well enough as a silent movie. Craig Roath is particularly impressive and sinister as the interrogator, but Jake Libner and Callie Stonecipher also do as much as they can with their parts. (They don't get to emote as much as Roath).

Check out "Say Nothing" below; it's only six-and-a-half minutes long. Feel free to share your opinion in the comments below, and let me know if you caught onto where the film was going early on as well.

(BTW, I think I've seen Callie Stonecipher and Craig Roath in other things, but none of their IMDB credits look familiar, nor can I otherwise place them. Anyone out there know what else they've been in recently?)

'Barnyard Melody' is a song of madness

Barnyard Melody (1929)
Starring: Anonymous Voice Actors
Directors: John Foster and Harry Bailey
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Animals form a singing group, and a farmer lends his voice to their cacophonous effort.

Among the cartoons you should never watch while high or really drunk is "Barnyard Melody". Even stone-cold sober, in a well-ventilated room, and after a good night's sleep, when it's over, you may find yourself questioning if you really just saw what you think you saw.

The best Van Beuren cartoons are wild rides of surreal weirdness. This one starts promising--with a mouse and a cat roller-skating down the road--but the opening also suffers from what ends up sinking this entire cartoon: There is just one single gag that isn't dragged out beyond the point where it stops being amusing and becomes tedious... and that gag is among the weakest the film has to offer.

There's a lot of very funny moments and/or cute moments in this film, but they are all ruined by the way they are dragged out and just go on and on and on. Some are even just the same animation sequence being looped three or more times. It's like instead of coming up with material, they padded a four-minute cartoon until it ran six minutes. Given that this cartoon feels like it's a two-minute bit (an old man joins some animals in a musical group) that was padded out to short-film length with random jokes and surreal bits that make little sense in or out of the context of the film, the fact that so much of it feels padded is even more frustrating. Since this was already a mess of random stuff that was just thrown together between the opening and closing credits, would it REALLY have been that hard to come up with a few more situations?

This is often the point in a review of a Van Beuren cartoon where I often talk about how great the music is. Generally, even the most wretched, badly animated, plotless messes from the shop at least has spectacular music that is artfully coordinated with whatever is unfolding on screen. The music here is... well, interesting. As always, it's well integrated with the action on screen, but in this case that means it must, out of necessity, be intentionally bad. It should come as no surprise that animals who aren't birds aren't that great at singing. The music in this short is up to the usual Van Beuren standards and fits the cartoon perfectly, but this means it's more whacky than what a sane person would describe as "good".

There's a lot to like about "Barnyard Melody", but it's almost overwhelmed by the sense of tedium that replaces the initial amusement or curiosity that you'll feel when a new scene begins. The fact there are some good and fun ideas here made me give this Four Stars. I still think it's worth seeing if you've liked other Van Beuren releases, or if you just want to experience something a little strange. (And, hey, maybe you should watch it high or drunk? I could have it backwards--maybe being in an altered state is the BEST way to experience this one!)

Click below to check out "Barnyard Melody".

Note: The bearded farmer in this film appears in a bunch of the Aesop Fables cartoons. I've seen the character referred to as Farmer Grey or as Al Falfa in writers about the Van Beuren releases, but I've not yet seen one where his name was spelled out. Time will tell if this is a Milton & Rita-type situation where the name is identified in sources other than the actual cartoons, or if I will come across actual mentions as I view more of Van Beuren's output.

Celebrating World Goth Day

The Goth Girls are at Shades of Gray for the 2022 World Goth Day.

Signature Select's Buttery Caramel

I made another trip to the grocery store, heard the call of the coffee aisle, and returned with an impulse buy. I brewed some up, I drank it, and now I'm reviewing it.

SIGNATURE SELECT: BUTTERY CARAMEL

Signature Select is the house-brand for Albertson's and Safeway grocery stores. I've previously reviewed two of their other offerings, Double Dutch Chocolate and Sun-Kissed Blonde (in the second half of the linked post), and I found them tasty and worthy of recommending to all of you. Let's see if Signature Select will have a hat-trick!

The Signature Select Buttery Caramel blend consists of Arabica light roast. The packaging states that should taste rich, sweet, and creamy, which is what I would expect from a light roast that's caramel flavored.

When I opened the bag of pre-ground coffee, the scent of caramel wafted up from it, strongly and delightfully. That aroma was also faintly present around the coffee maker as it brewed, and when I poured it into the mug, the mix of caramel and coffee made me feel certain I was in for a treat.

That is why I was so surprised when this turned out to be one of the bitterest light roast coffees I've ever tasted. Initially, the flavor is what I expected when I drank it hot and black--coffee with a caramel flavor added--but it wasn't sweet nor creamy. It had an edge from the outset... and that got worse when a bitter aftertaste hit. Things got a little better when I tried the coffee with the Unsweetened Almond Milk and sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer, as the caramel flavor was drawn out with both additions. The bitter aftertaste, though, hit just as strong.

I thought perhaps I'd somehow screwed up when brewing the pot. I dumped the rest, cleaned the pot and coffee maker, and brewed a fresh batch. But the result was the same. The bottom line is that this is just not a coffee flavor that I like when it's hot. 

Don't drink Signature Select Buttery Caramel hot,
or you'll find yourself asking, "What is this sh*t?"

The good news is that the bitter aftertaste fades as the the Buttery Caramel blend cools. At room temperature, it's quite tasty whether consumed with Unsweetened Almond Milk or the sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer added. It's also quite good black with a packet of Stevia. There is no aftertaste, and the coffee and caramel flavors mingle nicely and almost with the mildness I expect from a light roast.

Where this blend really excels is when it's iced. The caramel flavor is even stronger and the coffee flavor milder. It's delicious whether mixed with Unsweetened Almond Milk or the sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer. It's even better with Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk (which REALLY mixes nicely with the caramel and coffee flavors); in fact, the Buttery Caramel blend iced with Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk added was my favorite of the variations I tried.

In the final analysis, the Signature Select Buttery Caramel blend is an inexpensive option if you want a tasty iced coffee... but you need to avoid drinking it hot. I don't know exactly what causes the horrid aftertaste, but it's one that I experienced so you didn't have to. Brew this coffee, let it cool, pour it in a jug or bottle you can seal, stick it in the fridge for a while... then enjoy it over ice cubes. Do it any other way, and you're going to regret it.