Picture Perfect Wednesday: Christmas Elf in Trouble! Send Help!

Mohammed Monday: What Would Mohammed Drive?

In December of 2002, editorial cartoonist Doug Marlette answered the question "What would Mohammed drive?" with the following cartoon:

He got the usual threats of murder and mutilation from Mohammed death cultists and other followers of the Religion of Peace.

It's interesting how the idolators of the Prophet Mohammed (may peaches be upon him) automatically assumed that the cartoon referred to the Prophet Mohammed (may peas be upon him). Why would they have such an idea? There were no Ryder trucks or missiles in the day of their beloved and most perfect Prophet. And there are all sorts of guys named Mohammed who want to murder people.

Take for example Mohamed O. Mohamud, devout Muslim (according to his friends) and typical Lion of Islam slacker terrorist/mass-murderer wanna-be. In November 2010, Mohmamud provided his own answer to the question "what would Mohamed drive?" and it's the same that the cartoonist came up with. Does this mean that Mohamed O. Muhamud is a Prophet? Or does it mean he is like unto the Prophet Mohammed (may pleats be upon him), carrying on as he would and as he commands in the Most Holy Koran?

The lesson here is that the idolators (and perhaps even the "faithful Muslims") seem to know exactly what Mohammed would drive, whether it be the Prophet Mohammed (may peat be upon him) or Mohamed O. Mohamud, the MOM of all Mohammedans!

In fairness, at least one Imam disavowed Mohamed O. Mohamud, so I suppose this means there is at least ONE Muslim who is peaceful. This also indicates that he is smarter than a lot of Oregonians, many of whom seemed to blame the FBI for MOM's murderous intentions.

(The Mohammed Mondays series will continue on a weekly basis through the end of the year, after which it will become a bi-weekly feature. Submissions are welcomed. Click here for links to background and details.)

'Werewolf by Night' goes out howling

Essential Werewolf by Night, Vol. 2 (Marvel Comics, 2007)
Writer: Doug Moench
Artists: Don Perlin, et. al.
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

"Werewolf By Night" was one of several titles published by Marvel Comics that played off a mixture of classic movie monsters and 1970s exploitation movie fare. Following the exploits of reluctant werewolf Jack Russell, it was perhaps the most successful of the titles from a pure story-telling point of view, with a direction and tone set in the first few tales in "Marvel Spotlight" that continued with only a minor adjustment up to the title's cancellation with issue #42.

In this massive, low-cost black-and-white reprint book, Marvel Comics presents the second half of one of their greatest horror series, "Werewolf By Night", with the 20 issues of the regular comic benefiting from the presence of a single creative team of writer Doug Moench and artist Don Perlin, and a steadiness of story focus almost unmatched in Marvel's horror titles. Although the title passed through the hands of three different editors, Moench and Perlin seemed to be holding steadily to the same path the series had been following all along, avoiding the numerous re-inventions that kept causing Ghost Rider's motorcycle to sputter, as well as avoiding getting tangled up in too many subplots as Marv Wolfman did on "Tomb of Dracula". There are a number of story threads running through the book--including some that started in the previous volume, one or two of which were unceremoniously dropped by previous writers--and Moench and Perlin keep them all flowing and tie them up very neatly at exactly the right moment every time. They even managed to almost successfully usher the Werewolf into a position of viable superhero as Marvel's horror wave crashed, creating in the process a character that would go onto become one of the more interesting Batman knock-offs comicdom has ever seen, Moon Knight. Moench and Perlin may not have been the original creative team on the title, but they were certainly the greatest.

In addition to the 20 issues of the regular series, the book collects four issues of "Giant-Sized Werewolf" and an issue of "Marvel Premiere". The one thing these additions have in common is that they are the weakest points of the book, not only disrupting the flow of the main story as you read the collection, with forced meetings between the Werewolf and other Marvel horror characters (like Frankenstein's Monster and Mobius the Living Vampire) and stories that just aren't as interesting as the ones in the main title. The exception is the tale from "Giant-Sized Werewolf #3" which reintroduces characters and story elements last seen around the middle of "Essential Werewolf By Night, Vol. 1" and starts a ball rolling that eventually brings us to some of the most effective of Marvel's horror tales.

Basically, as was the case with most of Marvel's horror characters, "Werewolf By Night" was at its best when it stood apart from the greater Marvel Universe. Most cross-overs simply didn't work, including those featuring other horror characters, such as Frankenstein's Monster.

Superhero flair and classic/exploitation horror aren't easy to mix--as my comments regarding the "Giant-Sized Werewolf" reprints implies--but Moench and Perlin tried it with "Werewolf By Night" as the last dozen or so issues of the title moved steadily in a more traditional Marvel direction, with Jack Russell gaining control of his transformations and even coming up against Iron Man in the final issue. But, as Moench and Perlin worked to transition the title, they gave us some of the most effective horror stories Marvel ever published.

In their efforts to tie up Jack Russell's horror past, the werewolf first savagely mauled Jack's best friend, Jack's sister is transformed into a hideous monster when a villain triggers the dormant werewolf within her; long-time supporting cast members Taboo and Topaz return during a show-down with the downright Lovecraftian villain Glitternight; Brother Voodoo shows up to help put Jack's legal problems behind him in one of the most effective appearances of that inherently goofy character ever, a final showdown takes place against the downright Lovecraftian villain Glitternight; and Jack and friends are trapped in a haunted house where the title manages to surpass even the horrific Tom Sutton-illustrated Tatterdaemallion stories of Volume One.

But, as excellent as these stories were, the Marvel Age of Monsters was over. As the 1970s came to a close, so did Werewolf By Night. However, it ended on a very strong note, and the two volumes collecting all the early stories of Marvel Comics' reluctant werewolf are worthy of attention from comics and horror fans alike.

'The Giant Claw' is attached to a fun turkey

The Giant Claw (1957)
Starring: Jeff Morrow and Mara Corday
Director: Fred F. Sears
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

An electrical engineer who happens to be dabble in molecular physics on the side (Morrow) and his mathematician Girl Friday (Corday) work with the United States military to find a way to defeat an invulnerable giant anti-matter bird from outer space that has come to Earth to nest (and eat planes, trains, the United Nations Building, and joyriding teenagers).

"The Giant Claw" is a film that demonstrates that the cheesy science fiction movie hasn't changed in 50 years. I'll leave it up to you to decide if that means this film was ahead of its time, or if it means we should be sad over the state of the art of the genre film. Me, I enjoyed this movie the same way I enjoy the goofy monster films that appear on Sci-Fi Channel during "the most dangerous night of television."

The pacing, tone, and quality of acting of this movie is almost identical to "Monster Ark", a Sci-Fi Channel Original Picture that I saw a while back. Heck, the monsters in the two films are equally goofy looking and they're both animated through the cheapest possible effects of the day. (The alien buzzard in "The Giant Claw" is a marionette attacking miniatures, while the creature in "Monster Ark" is a CGI creature of dubious quality attacking similarly dubiously animated targets or actors performing with bad gore effects.)

If you've enjoyed any of the Sci-Fi Channel's monster movies, you should also give this film a try. Even if you haven't, it's worth a look if your monster movie viewing experience isn't ruined by a little silliness. Unlike many 1950s low-budget monster movies, "The Giant Claw" wastes no time getting started and it keeps going at a fast clip for its entire 76-minute running time.

As silly as the giant space buzzard looks, the crunching sounds as it eats the crew of a plane who attempted to parachute to safety and the anti-matter death-from-above it visits upon a carload of teenagers are actually some pretty good monster movie moments by any standard. Jeff Morrow and Mara Corday also make a good on-screen team.

Check out "The Giant Claw". At the very least, slate it for inclusion in a Bad Movie Night line-up. It's almost tailor-made for such an event!

Extra Picture Perfect Wednesday:The Milla Jovovich Quarterly

Continuing the habit of featuring Milla Jovovich on Picture Perfect Wednesday every three months, we present a look at her methods of preparing for physically demanding action movie roles.

For more Milla, click here for a trio of pictures that show her development from the start of her modeling career to the present day, as part of a research project that proves she has caused earthquakes around the world.

Picture Perfect Wednesday: Merry Christmas from Uncle Creepy

Drawing by Bernie Wrightson. Click here for his website.

'Stranglers of Bombay' is an excellent Hammer adventure film

Stranglers of Bombay (1959)
Starring: Guy Rolfe, George Pastell, Allan Cuthbertson, Marne Maitland, Andrew Cruickshank, Roger Delgado, Jan Holden, Davis Spenser, and Tutte Lemkow
Director: Terence Fisher
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

An officer of the East India Company (Rolfe) battles ignorance and classism among the Indians as he tries to unlock the mystery behind mass disappearances across India, as well as the growing number of vanishing merchant caravans. He soon becomes a target himself, when the death-worshiping Thugees behind the disappearances decide to sacrifice him to their goddess Kali before he reveals they have infiltrated every layer of Indian society, even the British East India Company itself.

"Stranglers of Bombay" is a classic classic pulp-fiction style adventure tale with a heroic protagonist battling against dark and sinister forces that everyone else is either too ignorant or too scared to confront. It's also got a chilling horror vibe running through it, sparked by the hero being the only person who seems to want to take the threat of the Kali cult seriously and ignited fully when viewers get to witness the evil brutality of the cultists in the name of their goddess and the long reach of their leaders. The film takes on an even more frightening tone when one considers that it is based in part on actual historical facts.

Some out there with heightened sensitivities to political correctness may watch this movie with growing indignation over the "racism" present, what with a valiant White Man fighting to save civilization from Dark-skinned Savages. As is so often the case, those viewers will be too busy looking for offense to pay attention to what is really going on in the film.

Out of all the characters in the film, there is one single person who gives a damn about the victims of the Thugees and that is Guy Rolfe's obsessive truth-seeker Captain Lewis. The English merchants and troops employed by the East India Company only care about profits, the Indians don't care so long as victims aren't of their caste or religion, and every major character in the film except Lewis is complicit in their own way in allowing the Kali cult to operate and spread. One could make the case that Indian society would not have degenerated to the point where its people were incapable of mustering even the smallest degree of human compassion across religious and societal divisions if not for the commercial influences of the British Empire from the 17th century onward, but then one would be taking the same stance the film does; "Stranglers of Bombay" is even-handed in its indictment of British and Indian society of the time.

As for the film itself, it's a product of Hammer's Golden Age of Gothic. (Which would be something else those busily finding reasons to be offended might miss; the "corrupting alien other" is part and parcel with the genre this film belongs to.) It's therefore no surprise that Terence Fisher, the man responsible for Hammer's other great gothic adventure-tinged horror tales--even if the emphasis here is more on adventure than horror--was in the director's chair for this one as well. The film benefits tremendously for Fisher's talent for capturing exactly the right images and performances, as well as his ability to make even the cheapest movie look like it was made for ten times the budget.

While cast is okay, there is no one here who truly stands out the way Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, or even Andrew Keir did. Guy Rolfe is a decent enough actor, but he works primarily in the role because the audience quickly develops deep sympathy for him because he is working under idiot superiors who are more concerned with a person's social standing than competency--as demonstrated when Lewis is set aside for an unqualified high-born officer when it comes to leading the investigation into the disappearances--and who believe that their social rank alone makes them competent. Rolfe works because Allan Cuthbertson and Andrew Cruickshank project the snobbery and gross ignorance of their characters so clearly that viewers dislike them more than the film's viler villains, the Kali cultists.

As for the cultists, they are okay, but not spectacular. George Pastell is passable as the evil high priest, but even for 1959 he was a bit on the tame and gentile side. Marne Maitland is similarly okay in his role as a displaced Indian "headman" who seems to have allied himself with the Thugee out of a thirst for revenge more than anything--and I'm not giving away the plot here... at this late date, it would be a surprise if he wasn't in league with the villains--but that's it. The most interesting villain is a mute bit-player--the busty Marie Devereux--who is the only woman seen in the Kali temple or at their rituals. She reportedly had a bigger role in the film before the British censors decided to protect the world from her leering excitedly at the sight of men being tortured, but I doubt there would have been more of an explanation as to what she was doing at the rituals than we got. One can't help but wonder; how twisted and evil would a girl have to be to get a place at the heart of a male dominated death cult?

Marie Devereux as Kali's breast--um--best girl!

"Stranglers of Bombay" is available in the four-movie pack "Icons of Adventure," and it is actually one of the lesser offerings in that set. Check it out to see that Hammer Films could tackle adventure films as effectively as they could horror movies and thrillers.







(The preview for "Stranglers of Bombay", included as a bonus feature in the set is a lot of fun by itself. "See mongoose battle snake for a man's life ... in Strangloscope!")

Mohammed Monday: Coffee, the Nectar of Allah?

Here's a fun little cartoon from New Zealand's Brandon Wright in which he reveals the intimate relationship between coffee, Islam, and the Prophet Mohammed (may beans be upon him). Click to see it full size and read the text.

Coffee may be solid proof that Mohammed WAS indeed a prophet of some sort of divine entity... and that the divine black liquid drives his followers into frenzies both murderous and amorous, as it did Him, while it causes the sex drive and genitals of Christian men to wither.

This simple cartoon may explain why the Muslim population is exploding around the world (in any meaning you choose to take that) and Western populations are shrinking. Maybe the Mormons have it right--coffee is eeeeevil!

Or maybe the Prophet Mohammed was just a whack job, and British men had queer ways in the 17th century (in any meaning you choose to take that).

To see more Brandon's artwork, visit his website by clicking here.

Everyone's a suspect, even the chimpanzee!

Curtain at Eight (aka "Backstage Mystery") (1933)
Starring: C. Aubrey Smith, Paul Cavanagh, Sam Hardy, Dorothy Mackaill, Natalie Moorehead, Herman Bing, Russell Hopton, and Syd Saylor
Director: E. Mason Hopper
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

When the lights are suddenly turned off, obnoxious stage actor Wylie Thornton (Cavanagh) is shot to death at his own backstage birthday party. Homicide detectives Havney and Gallagher (Smith and Hardy) have their work cut out for them, as everyone in the building--including the trick-shooting trained chimp--had numerous reasons for wanting Thornton dead.

"Curtain at Eight" is a neat mystery film that meticulously sets up its suspects and murder victims in the first half, including the gun-wielding chimp, and then unleashes an odd-couple of detectives on them during its second half. It's the standard formula for this genre and it's well implemented here, even if the second half is just a little bit too comedic for my tastes.

Stars Paul Cavanagh (as the womanizing, self-centered actor who is his own biggest fan), C. Aubrey Smith (as the experienced, sharp-eyed and sharp-minded police detective), and Sam Hardy (as the inexperienced, dimwitted colleague he has been saddled with) are all perfect in their parts. While Hardy is at times a bit too much to take with his moronic cop antics, more effective comedic bits come from supporting players Herman Bing and Syd Saylor helps the more unpalatable aspects of his character easier to swallow. The steady parade of 1930s eye candy provided by the stylish female members of the cast also goes a long way to making the film enjoyable for fans of old time movies.

And, of course, it's a must-see if you are as obsessed with monkeys and apes as low-budget movie producers in the 1930s and 1940s seemed to be. This one, the ape is actually a real ape, rather than some guy in a suit. And even if you aren't obsessed with apes, I think this might be a film that will stick in your head as "the one where the chimp as a gun".

"Curtain at Eight" was one of the many movies from small studios of the 1930s that was considered lost. A print was uncovered, however, when the advent of DVDs (and the relatively cheap and easy duplication methods involved, once a film's been digitized) sent people scurrying into attics, basements, janitorial closets, and dusty vaults looking for misplaced movies. I recommend you take advantage of this digital age to experience that which was lost and now has been found. It's a pleasant way to spend an hour.

Picture Perfect Wednesday: Thanksgiving Birds

Getting a turkey for the traditional American Thanksgiving dinner wasn't always as easy as Adele August makes it look.

The early settlers in the United States, the Pilgrims, had to struggle for food and survival. If left to their own devices, they might well have starved to death.

Fortunately, the Wampanoag Indian tribe came to the aid of the Pilgrims. In 1621, the two communities shared a Thanksgiving feast that started a tradition that continues nearly 400 years later.

On the fourth Thursday of November, Americans gather with friends and families to give thanks for the bountiful blessings in our lives and to admire great-looking birds.







I hope all my American readers have a pleasant and safe Thanksgiving dinner with friends and family tomorrow. The hope of a safe day goes double for the men and women in the military and law enforcement who put themselves on the line to protect the rest of us.