The Milla Jovovich Quarterly

Mask mandates are being lifted left and right, but many out there are still terrified of catching Covid-19, and they are even more terrified of those who may be spreading it. We feel for you, we want to help you. We want to make sure you fit in.

With that in mind, we here at Shades of Gray have created the Safety Sweater! It's fashionable, and it'll keep you and others safe when there happens to be filthy, disease-bearing peasants about and Safe Social Distances can't be maintained! 

Here's Milla Jovovich demonstrating how easy it is to use the Safety Sweater. All you have to do is turn the turtleneck of the Safety Sweater into a facemask that provides all the protection of those things you've been wearing around for the past few years. And when the danger has passed, you just roll it down again.

The Shades of Gray Safety Sweaters are available in black, white, and gray, and in sizes from XXS to XXXXL. Now you can face the Risks of Covid-19 and still be fashionable! These sweaters are unisex, so you don't even have to worry about your gender while getting one!

As Dr. Anthony Fauci (the greatest infectious disease expert in the history of greatness and disease) once said, "There's no reason to be walking around in a mask."

And thanks to the Safety Sweater, he's finally right!

2/22/22 -- Return of the Doppelgangers

It's another Day of Twos... so it's time for another short film around the theme of doppelgangers! (And remember... if you see yourself today, run the other way!)


Doppleganger (2007)

Starring: Sean Dory and Meghan Lees

Director: John Hollinger

Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Musical Monday with Two Feet & Grandson

From what half-assed research I did, today's song resulted when two avantgarde musicians teamed up -- Two Feet (aka Zachary William Dess) and Grandson (aka Jordan Edward Benjamin). 

I think the music they've come with is okay, but I am in complete love with the Erik Rojas-directed video that supports it. It goes to a completely unexpected place!

Until I Come Home (2021)

Starring: Two Feet and grandson

Director: Erik Rojas

Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

Bones Coffee's Electric Unicorn Fruity Cereal

It Sunday, so it's time for another post about coffee I've consumed!

Cereal and Coffee: Part of this compete breakfast!

 
BONES COFFEE COMPANY: ELECTRIC UNICORN FRUITY CEREAL

I think I must have had an odd childhood, because I recall breakfasts that consisted of oatmeal with butter and sometimes sugar or brown sugar, and once in a while milk (and that's what I make to this day on those rare occasions breakfast isn't just a cup of coffee and some Greek yoghurt), or, once in a while, Frosted Flakes. So, despite this very funny ad, the Electric Unicorn blend does not take me back to my childhood... although it does, under certain specific circumstances, put me in mind of what I imagine the fruity, sugary breakfast cereals must taste like. (Specifically, this was supposed to be a "Fruity Cereal" flavor, according to the blend's subtitle.)

Like most of my reviewed of blends from the Bones Coffee Company, this one is based on cups made in a drip coffee-maker, from a 4-oz. sample pack of pre-ground coffee. I drank the Electric Unicorn blend black (both hot and iced) and with Unsweetened Almond Milk or sugar free Italian Sweet Cream creamer added (hot, room temperature and iced).

When I opened the package, a sweet, fruity smell was strongly evident, but this was not one of those blend that filled my place with the magical smells as it brewed. The same fruity smell that rose from the bag does emanate from the mug as the coffee was poured into the mug--a very appealing smell. The flavor, however, when I drank the coffee black was not appealing at all. The now-familiar smooth and slightly bitter taste of a Bones Coffee medium roast was clearly there, but it tastes as if someone had added cough syrup to my mug: the taste was a very unpleasant blend of sweet, sour, and mediciney flavors mixed with coffee. It was quite awful. 

When I added Unsweetened Almond Milk to this blend, all that happened was it got more sour--with a taste that was similar to dirt creeping in. I've never had almond milk that's gone bad, but I thought maybe that's what happened here, so I dumped the rest of the coffee, opened a fresh carton, mixed it into a fresh mug of coffee... and it still tasted awful. Hot, Electric Unicorn does not mix well with Unsweetened Almond Milk. I left the mixture alone for a bit, to let it cool to see if it might improve. It didn't.

I poured another cup, and I mixed in sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer. A couple of sips told me that this was a vast improvement over my previous attempts at making Electric Unicorn palatable. The mediciney taste was gone, and the cream flavor swirled nicely with the fruity taste, as well as that of the coffee. What had seemed sour now reminded me of a touch of orange or many lemon. I think I'd finally managed to tease Fruity Cereal out of Electric Unicorn. Unfortunately, the blend too sweet for me now--not as bad as "Peaches and Scream" and not as overwhelming, but too sweet to be enjoyable. Some of that excessive sweetness faded a bit as the coffee cooled... which is good, because it gave me encouragement to finish the review regimen instead of just writing this blend off as terrible.

Because if you drink Electric Unicorn iced, and you like sweet coffee with a flavor that's fruity with a citrusy undercurrent to it, you will love this. It's pretty good black, it's better with Unsweetened Almond Milk added, but it's perfect with the sugar-free Italian Sweet Cream creamer. 

Like I said at the outset, I don't recall ever having any of those bright-colored breakfast cereals this blend is trying to capture, but I have drunk the remaining milk in a bowl of Frosted Flakes. With the creamer added and iced, I finally got the flavor Bones Coffee was going for--fruity, sweet, and milky... even if the milky was coming from the creamer. Iced, the flavors were also mild enough that they weren't cloying as before. As I finished my final cup of Electric Unicorn, I found myself wishing that I'd tried it iced first; I would have not wasted so much good coffee while trying to find the right way to consume it.

If her cup was filled with Electric Unicorn, she wouldn't be thinking about divorce.

Firearms Friday with Sophie Ryleigh

It's the return of Firearms Friday!

In this installment, we show you that even assassins can be inconvenienced on laundry day. Sometimes, you just have to get ready for work, even if the dryer cycle isn't done.

Sophie Ryleigh is an English model from Essex. You can see more from (of?) her on Instagram and Twitter. She also has a Facebook page.

Not sure what to make of this one

The Call (2020)
Starring: Danielle Elisha Steiner
Director: Wolfgang Kern
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

While walking in the rain, a woman (Steiner) gets a phone call.

"The Call" is a quiet, technically well-executed film. I liked the creative, yet straight-forward, camera-work. The precisely calculated use of out-of-focus moments were among the things that impressed me the most about this film... and the well-deployed, touching (yet catchy) music on the soundtrack also stood out.

And yet, I found myself waffling between awarding this picture a High Six or a Low Seven on my 0-10 scale, because I am not left with a clear sense of what is going with the phone call mentioned in the title and my teaser summary. There are a couple obvious explanations--and a less obvious one that got my imagination going, but I'm fairly certain it's not something that was in the Wolfgang Kern's head when staging this film--but since I didn't feel that was enough here for me to lean in one direction or another as far as "meaning" goes, I went with the High Six Rating.

I strongly recommend you take a few minutes out of your day to check out "The Call". Just click below and sit back. Perhaps you can even leave a comment below to tell me (and other visitors) what you think is going on with the voice on the phone.

Miko's latest interpretive dance...

 ... was a big hit with the test audience!

'The Law of the Tong' is saved by its interesting main characters

The Law of the Tong (1931)
Starring: Phyllis Barrington, Jason Robards, John Harron, Frank Lackteen, and Dot Farley

Director: Lewis D. Collins

Rating: Four of Ten Stars

An honorable Chinese gangster (Robards) has a chance encounter with a dancehall girl (Barrington) that ends up changing both their lives forever.

"The Law of the Tong" is a somewhat dull affair with a story that features a mix of interesting and inexplicably stupid characters, as well as equal parts halfhearted moralizing, nonsensical Orientalism, and underdeveloped intrigue.

The film would be unwatchable if not for a pair of interesting characters at its center--Joan (Phyllis Barrington), and Charlie Wong (Jason Robards). Wong is a Chinese gangster whose agendas and ultimate goal is utterly inscrutable. He is clearly operating a human smuggling ring, and he is involved in a gang war, but he claims that his objective is to bring poor Chinese people into the United States where they can enjoy the better life he has found. He is also never anything but courteous and respectful toward Joan and he goes FAR out of his way to help her and turn her life away from an inevitable slide into prostitution. Meanwhile, Joan emerges as a fascinating character when she become caught in the middle between her friendship with Charlie Wong and the nerdy, self-righteous undercover detective Doug (John Harron) who is going to get himself killed while trying to bring down Wong's smuggling ring. In a better, slightly longer film, there would probably have been more development of Wong and Joan... I for one would have enjoyed getting to know both of them better.

I think this film also shows that it's a shame Phyllis Barrington only made a dozen or so movies. She lights up the screen whenever she appears, and her charisma shines brightly both opposite Robards and Harron. 

And speaking of Harron: The third main character in the film, Doug, is interesting only insofar as he is not as bland and uninteresting as the supposed romantic leads in these sorts of films tend to be; otherwise, he is merely the catalyst that leads to Joan's fateful first encounter with Wong. I might have included Doug in the reasons that makes the film worth watching, but the usual blandness is replaced by self-righteousness augmented by stupidity. (He follows Joan to work at the dancehall and then gets outraged--OUTRAGED!--when she dances with customers.)

Aside from its underdeveloped main characters and story, this film is also harmed by the habit of having white actors in "yellow face" portray Asian characters. It's something that looks strange to modern viewers, and, as good as Jason Robards is as Charlie Wong, and Frank Lackteen is as the villainous Yuen, I've no doubt that there were equally talented actors of some East Asian extraction that could have filled those roles. (Heck, one only has to look to "The Secrets of Wu Sin" (1932) for proof of that. Both films are on the same double-feature DVD from Alpha Video.)

Musical Monday with Psychostick

If you're not in a romantic mood on this Valentine's Day, Psychostick is here for you. Even if you're bitter, angry, and heartbroken I think this song will put a smile on your face... ESPECIALLY if you're bitter, angry, and heartbroken!

On Valentine's Day...

... Terry Moore is here to tell all visitors to Shades of Gray how we feel about you!

 
We're sending all of you imaginary flowers and chocolate kisses. Then, you can join us for an imaginary romantic dinner!