The Secret Life of Joan Blondell

Joan Blondell, Ninja Cutie (?)

Evidence has emerged that actress Joan Blondell (who is best known for her roles in films from the early 1930s) belonged to one of the secretive Ninja Cutie Clans. This has been suspected by those who have read the journals of Bessie Love (who led a secret life herself as the Love Bug), but now there is proof.



Take a look at these photos. Who but a highly trained ninja assassin could safely traverse a tiled roof in high heels while carrying a bow and arrow?

Further, who but a Ninja Cutie would smile so prettily while firing an arrow through her quarry's heart?

The fact that Blondell was already known to be an expert swordswoman is further evidence supporting the theory that she was a deadly (but cute) ninja!

All that said, more research is needed before it can be fully stated that Blondell was a Ninja Cutie. The evidence uncovered so far points equally to her being a practitioner of the arcane secrets known only to the Sisters of Bastet.

--
As is our wont when making up things about actresses from the Golden Age of Hollywood, we like to include some roleplaying game rules that either sprang from the process of making things up, or which prompted us to do so. With that in mind, here are a couple of feats for the d20 System game. (If you find any of this amusing or entertaining, maybe you want to check out the Ninja Cuties d20 Modern supplement from NUELOW Games. Click on that link to get it. Selling copies will encourage us to make more stuff, either for sale on the blogs!)

BACKWARDS AND IN HEELS [Ninja Cutie, Sister of Bastet]
Not only do high heels not slow you down, they make you deadlier!
   Prerequisite: 3rd level, Dex 14, Cha 14...
   Benefit: When wearing high heels, except for stiletto heels, the character gains a +2 bonus to all the following skills: Balance, Bluff, Climb, Jump, Move Silently, and Perform (dance).

BACKWARDS AND IN STILETTO HEELS [Ninja Cutie, Sister of Bastet]
Whether you have them on your feet or in your hands, you make stiletto-heeled shoes as dangerous as the knife they are named for.
   Prerequisite: Backwards and in Heels feat
   Benefit: When wearing stilettos, you gain a +2 bonus to Diplomacy and Intimidation skill checks. Additionally, you wield a stiletto as a melee weapon that deals a based damage of 1d6 points.
   Special: When this feat is selected, the character automatically gains Exotic Melee Weapon Proficiency (stiletto heel shoe) as a bonus feat. Additionally, the character can wield two stiletto-heeled shoes at once without any penalties if she possesses the Two-Weapons Fighting feat.

(Special Thanks to L.L. Hundal for shoe insight.)

This Musical Monday, the Writing's on the Wall.

This is a different sort of Musical Monday post, as I'm featuring not just one artist and one video, but two from two different artists. What's more, both featured songs are covers and the videos that support them little more than just the performers performing. You won't find many videos like that here, but today's featured songs by Taps Maguadza and  Sofia Karlberg are too good for me to not post!

Taps Mugadza, or just Taps, is a Zimbabwean soul and pop singer who, among his achievements, has managed to record a version of Sam Smith's "Writing's On the Wall" that fixes the weaknesses of the original--which got a bit repetitive in the chorus as the song went on--and thus manages to be better than one of the best theme songs to recent James Bond movies. Take a listen!



Almost as good as Taps' version, is the one recorded by Sofia Karlberg, a Swedish singer who first became famous by uploading cover songs to YouTube. Like Taps, she brings a little more variation to the song's chorus, but she doesn't bring quite the same level of emotion to the song present in either Taps' or Smith's versions. Also, like Taps, her video is just a recording of her singing... but, again, like Taps, this is such a beautiful song that it's worthy of being featured here.



(An interesting note: Both these versions were recorded and uploaded to YouTube within a month of each other, back in 2015. I wonder why both artists decided to do their videos in black and white?)

Firearms Friday with Ariel Winter

Born in 1998, Ariel Winter made her film debut at the age of seven in the neo-noir comedy "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" in 2005. She went onto become one of Hollywood's busiest child actors, providing voices for several animated series and films, as well as holding down a lead roles in several television series, including in the sit-com "Modern Family", which is ending its eleven-year run in 2020.

In 2017, Winter took the "controversial" step of posing for photos at a gun range after earning her Firearms Safety Certificate.

'The Other Gods' is a worthy Lovecraft adaption

The Other Gods (2006)
Director: "Peter Rhodes"
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Barzai the Wise and his young apprentice set out to visit the gods of earth, who dwell atop Mount Hatheg-Kla deep in the desert wastelands of Ulthar. Barzai, however, comes face to face with far more terrible entities.

"The Other Gods" is a 2005 animated short film that, in the introduction, is claimed to have been made in 1924 by Peter Rhodes and which until its recent restoration was believed lost. In truth, it is the clever work of modern animators, working in the paper-cutout silhouette style of 1920s animator Lotte Reiniger.

This 5-minute film is a brief, solid adaptation of Lovecraft's story "The Other Gods" and it's bound to entertain fans of his work. I personally found it a little too brief, but I forgive the shortfalls in the face of this fairly faithful recreation of an old silent movie animation style, complete with the inclusion of intertitles. Keith Handy's musical score is also very well done.

"The Other Gods" can be viewed for free by Amazon Prime subscribers. (Even if you don't subscribe to Amazon Prime, you might wish to click on the link below to read the viewer comments. Some of them are as entertaining as the film itself.)

The Love Quarterly

Although she is now all but forgotten, Bessie Love was a celebrated movie star and household name during the 1920s. Her most important role, however, was that of a crusader of against supernatural evil. From 1925 through 1950, in her guise as the Love Bug, Bessie faced off against cultists, lycanthropes, vampires, elder gods, and evil sorcerers and witches.

   The full extent of the debt the world owes her will probably never be known, but one of Bessie's more dangerous encounters took place in 1928 when she squared off against a wizard who was trying to enchant massive amounts of people by embedding spells in motion pictures.
    As Bessie broke into the wizard's lair, she came upon a magic mirror that drew her into a pocket dimension behind the glass where she had to defeat an exact copy of herself, or forever be trapped while the copy of her took over her life in the outside world. Bessie was victorious, and not only did she free herself from the mirror realm, but 17 other men and women who had fallen victim to the mirror's magic over the past two centuries... and several of those liberated helped her slay the wizard and set his magic films ablaze.
   Bessie took the mirror as a souvenir, and it hung in her home until she passed away in 1986. It was not present when the executor took control of her estate and it was presumed stolen. The mirror remains missing. (In truth, the mirror was taken by an angel that had been trapped in the mirror and who was freed along with the others when Bessie Love broke the enchantment on it by defeating her mirrored foe.)

D20 SYSTEM MAGIC MIRRORS
Here's some d20 System content inspired by Bessie's adventures, as has become our habit in these quarterly posts. The rest of the text in this post is released under the Open Game License, and it may be reproduced in accordance with its terms.

RANDOM MAGIC MIRROR GENERATOR
Use these tables to generate magic mirrors in treasure hoards or the lairs of villains. Roll 1d6 against the tables below

MIRROR TYPE
   1. Handheld
   2-4. Wall Mirror
   5-6. Full-length Mirror

MIRROR ENCHANTMENT
   1-2. Reflection answers one question per day (as legend lore spell).
   3. Reflections of items in front of it, no further than three feet away, seem to glow if they are magical (as detect magic, three times per day).
   4. The reflection shows the true form of a being concealed behind an illusion, or in a different from due to natural, spell-based, or item-based shapeshifting or polymorphing abilities. If the being is a natural shapeshifter, but is presently in the primary form (such as a lycanthrope in her human shape), the reflection shows secondary shape.
   5. A demonic (1-3) or angelic (4-6) trapped in the mirror can, once per day, unerringly reveal the location and condition of a single person. The request has to be specific--"Where is the six-fingered man who killed my father?" or "Where is the fairest person in the land?".
   6. Anyone who sees his or her reflection in the mirror without saying a password is immediately sucked into a pocket dimension behind the glass. Here, they must fight exact copies of themselves, except the duplicates are utterly ruthless and irredeemably evil. If the duplicate wins, the real character is trapped in the pocket dimension while the mirror-spawned copy takes his or place in the world. If the real character wins, he or she is given the option by the powerful spirit (demonic 1-3, angelic 4-6) to either release those trapped in the mirror or to become its new master and enjoy eternal life and youth so long as at least one person is trapped in the mirror every 50 years.
   The mirror functions like result #4 for the master, as its enchantments are powered by a spirit trapped inside it.

Musical Monday with Ivy Levan

As a teenager, Ivy Levan moved with her parents from Arkansas to California where she soon began pursuing a career in the music industry. We're lucky that she did, because she has gifted the world with a powerful voice and a musical style that style can generally be described as exuberant, bluesy jazz, yet thoroughly modern. Her music is even more appealing, because the songs and their videos are full of  a dark sense of humor and dangerous fun.

But, enough talk. Here's "Money", which was the first track from Levan's 2013 debut EP, "Introducing the Dame". I hope it gets your Monday off to a good start... and that your week turns out better than it does for some of the characters in the video!



If you enjoyed "Money", I think you'll find Gin Wigmore's music and videos appealing as well. (And you should keep an eye out here; Levan will return to these parts on a future Musical Monday.)

Take a trip with Betty Boop to 'Crazy-Town'

Crazy-Town (1932)
Starring: Mae Questel and Billy Murray (each doing various voices)
Director: Dave Fleischer
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Betty and Bimbo head down a rabbit hole that leads to the heart of Crazy-Town, a place where everything is the opposite of what you expect.

Betty Boop exists in a world where inanimate objects come to life, people and plants transform themselves into different shapes instantly, and most of the population consists of anthropomorphic "funny animals", so a place called "Crazy-Town" has got to be somewhere where things are even more bizarre.

That isn't quite the case here. Instead, almost everything is opposite of what it should be--fish fly above a pond while birds swim in the water; neighborhoods drive to the trolley car; and when women go to the beauty salon, they don't change their hairstyles, they change their heads! This is all very strange and very fun--although it's a little weird that Betty and Bimbo initially freak out by all the backwardness, since they open the cartoon by singing how they have nothing better to do, so they're going to go crazy in Crazy Town. The cartoon also features some very catchy tunes that I was humming for a good part of the day after watching it, and that I find myself humming as I type this review. Unfortunately, there is a tendency here that I don't recall from other Boop cartoons to drag out almost every gag until it's unfunny. As fun as this is, it feels like instead of coming up with enough wacky concepts to truly fill the run-time, they just padded some sequences... and it drags down this otherwise excellent cartoon.

Still, the good outweighs the bad here, and it's well worth your time to check out "Crazy-Town" (which you can do, right here from this post; it's embedded below, via YouTube). This cartoon is also noteworthy in the sense that it contains some very clear reminders that the "Betty Boop" series was originally made for adult audiences. It should also prove particularly amusing to those out there who subscribe to the notion that "Alice in Wonderland" was inspired by a drug trip.

Coming Soon: 'Fangs' by Sarah Andersen

Cartoonist and writer Sarah Andersen is best known for her zany "Sarah's Scribbles" strips, which detail a nerdy, introverted young woman trying to make her way through life. However, she has also created "Fangs", a series which is equal parts silly, sweet, and sexy... as well as even a little spooky at times.

"Fangs" tells the story of a vampire and a werewolf who meet and fall in love. It chronicles the ups and downs of their relationship, as they navigate the difficulties of being both the perfect fit for each other, but also very different individuals.

The pacing of the book is among the many reasons I think this is a great piece of work. The sample pages I read felt like the best newspaper strips of the old days, in the sense that each page is a tiny story unto itself that ends with a gag or a smile-inducing touching moment but they all add up to a larger story that unfolds as you read them in order. (This is not surprising, I suppose, since "Fangs" began life as a web-series back in 2019... so Andersen is just solidifying her place among the masters of the comic strip format.)

"Fangs" will be released in hardcover in September of 2020 through Andrews/McMeel Publishing. You can click here to read a little more about it. (Me, I've already pre-ordered by copy from Amazon, so you can expect a full review in these parts when the Halloween Season rolls around.)

Wonder Woman Wednesday

By Jose Luis Garcia Lopez

Whether she's in (or on) her invisible plane, or corralling and riding the lighting with her magic lasso, today, Wonder Woman is taking flight! (We're posting a gallery of great Wonder Woman drawings every other Wednesday until the release of "Wonder Woman '84"... we hope that all of you out there are looking forward to that movie as much as we are!)

By Chris Samnee

By Jimmy Cheung

By Adam Hughes

Before the Mustache There Was 'Love in Armor'

Love in Armor (1915)
Starring: Mae Busch, Charley Chase, Fritz Schade, Frank Oppermann, Billie Bennett, William Hauber, and Bert Hunn
Directors: Nick Cogley, Francis J. Grandon, Frank Griffin and Mack Sennett
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A conman (Schade) snakes his way into the good graces of a young woman's wealthy parents (Bennett and Oppermann) - but he comes to regret his life's choices when he gets between her (Busch) and her true love (Chase).

I really wanted to like "Love in Armor" more than I do. It has some really cute moments in it, a handful of funny gags, and I don't recall seeing a film with Charley Chase or Mae Busch in which they weren't good. But, despite the presence of these good bits, the bulk of the film borders on tedious. 

As could be expected, the best parts of this film are scenes involving Busch, Chase, or both of them. Busch's parents don't approve of Chase seeing her, so the would-be young couple have to sneak off into the bushes which leads to cute bit of mildly sexy physical humor where Busch is unable to pull down her skirt because it's caught on a branch is a good example of this. Another is where Chase, hidden in a suit of armor, puts the film's villains in their place and ultimately gets the girl with pranks and straight-up violence. There is also a running gag involving the world's most inept and clumsy butler.

But each of these fun parts is either preceded or followed by sequences and gags that are either so poorly motivated or ineptly staged that they never quite reach their potential, or are dragged out to the point where they stop being funny. A sequence where successive characters end up sitting on a cactus embodies all these problems. It's got all sorts of potential--that it almost reaches when Busch and Frank Opperman (as her father) end up with their butts prickled--but its set-up is so weak it taints the entire bit, and it is allowed to go on just a little too long. Meanwhile, the film's climax is a tangled mess of slapstick that's so badly executed and so repeptative that I thought perhaps there was some bad editing in copy I watched and the same moment got repeated twice.

Sloppy writing (or perhaps direction) also hurts the film a bit. There is a great moment between Chase and Busch when he makes it known to her that he is hiding in the suit of armor; it's my favorite part of the whole movie. However, this revelation happens within full view and earshot of Busch's mother who remains oblivious to her daugher's weird interaction with a suit of armor.

Despite my complaining above, "Love in Armor" is entertaining and it's 13-minute runtime speeds by. If you're a fan of Mae Busch or Charley Chase, you'll definitely enjoy yourself. You may find yourself wishing Chase got a little more screen-time, but at least you'll get to see what he looked like before the mustache!

And guess what? You can watch it right here, right now! Just click on the arrow below to start the video!